I need

May nabasa ako dati sa isang youtube video. the video was just a simple (well, ang galing niya so hindi simple yung dance haha) dance video na improv lang. kumbaga, hindi choreographed at wala lang, gumagawa lang siya ng kung anu-anong step. the uploader tried to explain why he created the video. ang sabi niya: "I just needed to move."

I so need to write now. I don't like needing to do so. Feeling like this means that I have something that I want to let out pero hindi ko alam kung ano ang problema ko kaya ayan. I just need to write. I just badly need to write pero hindi ko naman alam kung anong isusulat. Hindi tuloy matapos tapos ang punyetang to. Letse.

Gusto ko na tuloy matutong magsayaw. At least, kapag naman siguro gumalaw-galaw ka lang, kahit walang sense, ok lang. Basta maisayaw mo.

Eh kapag nagsusulat ka, tapos walang sense, lalo ka lang naguguluhan eh. Nyeta talaga.

Kaya susubukan kong magkasense to. Sorry. I just need to write.

***

Alam ko naman na isa siyaa sa mga insecurities ko. Bakit ba? Konti lang naman insecurities ko sa katawan ah. Konti lang din naman kasi yung talagang napagmamalaki ko eh. Konti lang. So kung magiging insecured ako, o highly affected, sensitive, o kung ano man, pwes wag mo nang idiin. AWARE ako. I'm really trying to work on it. Wag mo nang idiin. Hindi mo ko kilala. Hindi mo ko ganun kakilala para husgahan mo ko sa mga galaw ko. TAO rin ako. Oo na, highly negative na, laging nakikipagdebate, malakas ang boses, palaaway na lang palagi, at demanding. I really try to do something about it. Kaya nga inaayos ko rin priorities ko sa buhay eh. Alam ko lahat to. Pero tao rin ako. Tinatablan rin naman ako ng insecurities minsan. Kaya kung magrarant ako, magiging bastos, magiging sensitive, o kung ano man, sorry. I do have limitations and shortcomings. Marami nga eh. Pero hindi mo naman ako kelangan ganunin. Hindi mo kelangang idiin lalu pa't sinusubukan ko naman gawan ng paraan. Pero mahirap kasi. At hindi mo yun maiintindihan. Kaya wag kang umastang nagmamarunong.

***

Hindi ko na alam kung anong mararamdaman ko sayo. Pinapagulo pa ng lahat ng tao sa paligid natin. Pinapagulo mo pa kasi hindi ka nagrereact sa kanila. I feel so stupid whenever you just ignore them. Feeling ko hindi man lang ako worth iexplain. Kahit man lang ireject mo yung idea. Please ireject mo naman yung idea. Para naman alam nila na nagmamatter ako. Para naman kapag may pang-aasar alam kong hanggang dun nga lang kasi at masyado lang talaga akong nagiisip kaya nagiiba yung mga bagay-bagay. Hayaan mo, lumalayo na naman ako eh. Unti-unti. Alam ko hindi mo anman mararamdaman. Dadating ang araw, malalayuan din kita ng ganap. Pero ang hirap pala kasi kapag hindi ka na talaga naghanap ng iba pang taong bibigyan mo ng attachment kasi satisfied ka na na sa isang tao ka lang attached at alam mong isa lang ang kailangan mong tunay kaibigan para maging satisfied sa buhay. Ang hirap kasi kapag nangyari yung tulad nito, ayan, wala ka nang ibang close. Hindi mo tuloy mabawi. Shet. Shet ka talaga. Pinapakomplikado pa kasi ng ibaang tao eh. Bwisit. Pero wag ka mag-alala. Nararamdaman ko naman na ayaw mo. Pramis. Hindi lang ako sanay na baguhin kung anuman ang meron. At hindi ko rin gusto baguhin. Pero alam ko na fed up ka na kahit papano. Sorry. Sorry ang bagal ko magbago. Pramis. Alam kong hindi pwede. Hayaan mo, isang araw, malalayuan na kita. Pramis.

***

Lord, balik Ka na. I feel empty without you. You take away these useles feelings. Dahil sa Iyo, alam kong walang kwenta tong mga to. Dahil sa Iyo, sumasaya ako. Please. I don't want to write anymore.

Miracles happen when you believe

Astig. Tuwing dumadating kasi ang punto na nagbabagsakan ang exams ko, nagpapaka-GC talaga ako at nagcocompute ng grades kasi klangan kong malaman kung pano ako babawi para mamaintain ko an scholarship ko. ayoko naman kasing maging out-of-school youth. Kaya gumagawa ako ng target grade at wow grades. yung wow grades pangarap lang yun. para magawa kasi yun kelangan ko ng sobrang tataas na exams eh.

pero alam mo yung pakiramdam na kapag nakita mo yung grade mo nakapost sa bulletin board tapos hindi ka talaga makapaniwala at binabasa mo ng paulit-ulit yung student number mo para lang makasiguro na oo ikaw nga yun? wala lang. tatlong beses nangyari sakin yun sa tatlong subject. at nakakabilib na minsan talaga, kapag pinaghirapan mo, may bumbalik lalu pa't ang blessings ni God mas madalas na unexpected.

Salamat God! :)

Why WORRY when you can PRAY?

Fine. I failed to attend mass for two straight weeks now. Add to that, I think i'm on the verge of spiritual death made worse by the fact that I'm really just relying on CYA and YFC to somehow try to revive me. And don't get me wrong, God has been proving to me these past few months that only He is my happiness - I've been so dead lonely and sad for no reason at all, feeling so defeated and unfulfilled, these past few months. And yes, this has aggravated my desire to actually rejuvenate myself and bring me back to that 4th-year-high-school version of me that spreads his arms wide open for Him (and this makes me miss Pisay and my batch sooo much). But see, doing so is starting to become more challenging too. After all, college life had brougt more things to think about, stealing away priorities and destroying daily schedules. There's just so much to do in so little time that I so regret not putting my faith in stronger foundations prior to college and all this "busy-ness."

More often than not, I find myself envious of Pito reading his Christian books at the dorm and guilty whenever he plays praise songs from his laptop as our background music as we study taxonomy and comparative anatomy.

But you know what, God knows it's my birthday soon. And probably He too knows that I'm also in a position wherein I still have a lot to face (come on, face it, we're yet in our fifth week of school but ALL of us are already tired with the demands of our academic life alone, not to mention our extra-curricular activities in the college and in the university) and a lot to be tired for. I bet He knows that I'm soon to face my worst worries and that I tend to falter and give up whenever I worry.

So, He gave me a gift. And He did even after my two weeks of not attending mass and my being the worst son ever for the past months. (God, why do you always make me feel guilty? You know I don't deserve it.)

The priest at the mass a while ago gave a good sermon, which was very unexpected since a lot of priests nowadays do not give such heartfelt sermons that can help both spiritual and practical. He recalled how he often worries and feels defeated by the changes that come into his life. And he shared that after all of the things he does just to take away the depressions that he feels, only one often proves to be most effective: prayer. And I guess, from now on, I would often pray. :)

Oh and he shared how deaf people tries to escape from the world whenever they want to just stop talking to other people (they use sign language, remember) or just stop worrying even for a while: they close their eyes. And in doing so, they see more of themselves. :)

The Three Metors/Earth-destroyers

I had a REALLY disturbing dream last night. Most of the time, I don't remember my dreams, no matter how good they were. But, see, this one's different because it struck me at the right place.

The story starts with me enjoying a carnival/fair/whatever-basta-may-mga-booths with friends ata. For some reason, I went outside and looked at the sky. I saw the moon, or what I thought was the moon. After like 20 seconds, it startled me that the moon was REALLY big. I told someone (can't remember who) about my startling observation. He ignored me because he too made another discovery: apparently, something bigger than my REALLY BIG moon can also be seen at the other direction. And guess what, a smaller version of that thing that looks like Jupiter up close which my friend discovered can also be seen beside it. Startled that there is no apparent hiatus about the three gigantic objects in the sky, we ran back to the fair to tell everyone.

And then all of a sudden I was in my house, watching news reports. After some showbiz news, which startled me at how three objects at the sky were not urgent enough to dismiss talking about showbiz personalities, a news report indicated that the three gigantic objects were in fact, REALLY big meteors crashing to Earth in a matter of minutes. The metors, apparently were not detected by NASA and they just, uhm, suddenly appeared. Amazing.

The rest, I forgot. I remember that two of the meteors crashed on Earth though and I was still alive. But when the third one crashed, there was just light. And the dream ended.

But see, the reason I was able to remember it was because all throughout the dream there was a feeling of extreme fear and regret. But I didn't regret that I would leave the Earth already. I did not fear that the death would hurt.

All I felt was regret that I was not able to confess that much often to help cleanse my sins, that I was such a sinner the other day, that I was not responsible enough to read my Bible, etc. I feared that I was just unworthy to die yet. I knew I wasn't prepared and that the three meteors really came in such a bad timing. I feared not being able to see Him because I deserve not to.

I woke up really scared. Oh yes, I REALLY felt relieved that it was just a dream because I knew I wasn't a good son.

I never knew that that was how it felt like to be so unprepared.

--//--

the gospel today pertained to Jesus' baptism. wala lang. and the priest in our parish elaborated on how important this sacrament is. he also elaborated on what Catholic really means.

wala lang. matagal ko na rin kasing alam na ang ibig sabihin talaga ng "Catholic" ay "universal". so anyone is Catholic. at ngayon ko lang napagtanto na ang stupid ng pagtawag sa hindi Roman Catholics ng "Non-catholic" kasi imposible naman yun eh. universal nga tapos may hindi kasali, ang kulit ah! haha.