I need

May nabasa ako dati sa isang youtube video. the video was just a simple (well, ang galing niya so hindi simple yung dance haha) dance video na improv lang. kumbaga, hindi choreographed at wala lang, gumagawa lang siya ng kung anu-anong step. the uploader tried to explain why he created the video. ang sabi niya: "I just needed to move."

I so need to write now. I don't like needing to do so. Feeling like this means that I have something that I want to let out pero hindi ko alam kung ano ang problema ko kaya ayan. I just need to write. I just badly need to write pero hindi ko naman alam kung anong isusulat. Hindi tuloy matapos tapos ang punyetang to. Letse.

Gusto ko na tuloy matutong magsayaw. At least, kapag naman siguro gumalaw-galaw ka lang, kahit walang sense, ok lang. Basta maisayaw mo.

Eh kapag nagsusulat ka, tapos walang sense, lalo ka lang naguguluhan eh. Nyeta talaga.

Kaya susubukan kong magkasense to. Sorry. I just need to write.

***

Alam ko naman na isa siyaa sa mga insecurities ko. Bakit ba? Konti lang naman insecurities ko sa katawan ah. Konti lang din naman kasi yung talagang napagmamalaki ko eh. Konti lang. So kung magiging insecured ako, o highly affected, sensitive, o kung ano man, pwes wag mo nang idiin. AWARE ako. I'm really trying to work on it. Wag mo nang idiin. Hindi mo ko kilala. Hindi mo ko ganun kakilala para husgahan mo ko sa mga galaw ko. TAO rin ako. Oo na, highly negative na, laging nakikipagdebate, malakas ang boses, palaaway na lang palagi, at demanding. I really try to do something about it. Kaya nga inaayos ko rin priorities ko sa buhay eh. Alam ko lahat to. Pero tao rin ako. Tinatablan rin naman ako ng insecurities minsan. Kaya kung magrarant ako, magiging bastos, magiging sensitive, o kung ano man, sorry. I do have limitations and shortcomings. Marami nga eh. Pero hindi mo naman ako kelangan ganunin. Hindi mo kelangang idiin lalu pa't sinusubukan ko naman gawan ng paraan. Pero mahirap kasi. At hindi mo yun maiintindihan. Kaya wag kang umastang nagmamarunong.

***

Hindi ko na alam kung anong mararamdaman ko sayo. Pinapagulo pa ng lahat ng tao sa paligid natin. Pinapagulo mo pa kasi hindi ka nagrereact sa kanila. I feel so stupid whenever you just ignore them. Feeling ko hindi man lang ako worth iexplain. Kahit man lang ireject mo yung idea. Please ireject mo naman yung idea. Para naman alam nila na nagmamatter ako. Para naman kapag may pang-aasar alam kong hanggang dun nga lang kasi at masyado lang talaga akong nagiisip kaya nagiiba yung mga bagay-bagay. Hayaan mo, lumalayo na naman ako eh. Unti-unti. Alam ko hindi mo anman mararamdaman. Dadating ang araw, malalayuan din kita ng ganap. Pero ang hirap pala kasi kapag hindi ka na talaga naghanap ng iba pang taong bibigyan mo ng attachment kasi satisfied ka na na sa isang tao ka lang attached at alam mong isa lang ang kailangan mong tunay kaibigan para maging satisfied sa buhay. Ang hirap kasi kapag nangyari yung tulad nito, ayan, wala ka nang ibang close. Hindi mo tuloy mabawi. Shet. Shet ka talaga. Pinapakomplikado pa kasi ng ibaang tao eh. Bwisit. Pero wag ka mag-alala. Nararamdaman ko naman na ayaw mo. Pramis. Hindi lang ako sanay na baguhin kung anuman ang meron. At hindi ko rin gusto baguhin. Pero alam ko na fed up ka na kahit papano. Sorry. Sorry ang bagal ko magbago. Pramis. Alam kong hindi pwede. Hayaan mo, isang araw, malalayuan na kita. Pramis.

***

Lord, balik Ka na. I feel empty without you. You take away these useles feelings. Dahil sa Iyo, alam kong walang kwenta tong mga to. Dahil sa Iyo, sumasaya ako. Please. I don't want to write anymore.

Finally, a post.

This semester proved to be a very CHALLENGING one for me.

The first few weeks of the semester immediately brought me wondering whether I should ontinue doing something I really like doing. I ended up deciding against it just to stand firm for the convictions I earlier made. I had to quit the culture com at a point where I was already tasked to lead the culture week (something I was really excited about) this coming feb. And I wouldn't probably go back anytime soon. Probably not even next year. But quitting didn't end the agony because I was led into doubting waht I did. It started a struggle which was both pathetic and painful.

That beame the reason why this semester is probably the ONLY point in my life when I actually had ZERO extra-curricular activities. I even stopped blogging, for crying out loud. Neither did I write even for leisure purposes. And that's weird and undoubtedly hard considering the fact that I believed these activities are what fuel me to continue studying.

But I guess, when what you think fuels you to d something else becomes the very thing that hinders you from doing so, you're forced to rethink of your priorities and see the bigger picture:

What am I here for?

And in the end, I figured I'm here to become a doctor so if I'm to prioritize it should be a no-brainer.

---***

I also figured that this is the semester is the first time I've really dedicated my time to studying, with eating and watching TV as the only activities I do to detox. Really. And my gades are no better. But that's because my subjects this sem are either too toxic when it comes to requirements, too hard for a normal human being, or both. I even think I have a great chance of dropping out of the CS this sem. I just really hope I'd make it with the GWA 2.0 requirement. (This means that the org chem exam should be created so that students would PASS, for crying out loud!)

I also realized that what I told Lovely might have been true. God wanted me to drop all those extra-curricular activities so that I'd still be able to maintain my schlarship.

---***

Well, at least the hell sem is ending. Goodbye 2,4-dinitrophenol and Grignard's reagent. :)

oh don't get me wrong. i had a LOT to write about. but see, when you're suddenly filled with TOO much to do up to the point that you'd actually prefer 48-hour days just so you'd be able to do all the things you need to do, writing, no matter how passionate you are, drops out of your list of priorities.

and, no, it is not yet over. september just proved to me that i'm in a course derived from hell. kung wala lang talaga akong scholarship, okay lang eh. Pisay had taught me techniques and habits that will allow me to survive even without reviewing that much. pero hindi eh. kelangan ko ng pera pambayad ng dorm.

so this blog will be silenced for the next few weeks. after the busy-ness, I'd be certain to be back. hopefully, i'll live to tell the tale.

in the meantime, i'd recommend you read cheska's blog. i think she's starting to hone her skills to eventually match De Quiros's columns in the Inquirer. Goodluck to that. :)

Kung bakit isa akong malaking gago

*this entry was written two weeks ago ata. late post pa rin. pardon the profanity. i just don't believe that these words should be condemned for use even for literary purposes because i stand by my belief that filipino profane words remain to have much much much impact whenever they are used compared to english profane words. I just think the emotions would be incomplete without them.

Isa akong malaking gago na karapat-dapat ding murahin ng paulit-ulit pa.

Alam mo yung pakiramdam na alam mong dapat yung nakikita mo sa salamin sa tuwing haharap ka rito ay iba na? Yung parang dapat hindi na ganun pero ganun pa rin? Ano kayang pakiramdam nung mga nagpaparetoke ng kung ano mang parte ng katawan nila tapos pagtiningnan nila kalaunan bumalik lang sa dati yung pinaghirapan nilang ipaayos at pinagtayaan nila ng buhay para lang maiba? Katulad kaya ng nararamdaman ko ngayon?

Alam ko isa akong isang taong walang kahabas-habas ang dila kung mamintas at mamuna ng mga tingin kong mali at pinaninindigan kong mali talaga. Alam kong ako yung tipo ng pinuno na walang pakeelam sa nararamdaman ng ibang tao sa grupo ko at mas mahalaga palagi na magawa namin yung dapat naming gawin kahit pa magkasiraan ng pagkakaibigan. Alam kong nakakatakot ako pag nagutos at lakas pa lang ng boses ko hindi mo na mapapantayan kaya imbes na magreklamo tatahimik ka na lang. Aalm ko yun. Alam ko lahat yun.

At nagsimula ako sa pisay na ganyan ako. Sa apat na taon kong ginugol sa pisay, sinubukan ko talagang magbago (oo, kahit maniwala ka o hindi). Kasi alam kong mali. At umalis ako sa pisay na alam kong iba na yung pananaw ko sa pamumuno at iba na rin yung paraan ko sa pamumuno.

Pero alam mo yung pakiramdam na, pagkatapos mong magnilay-nilay, bigla mo lang itatanong sa sarili mo kung anong nangyari at bakit ganun pa rin? Sinubukan kong ipagtanggol ang sarili ko pero nauwi rin sa wala. Sinubukan ko talagang bigyang diin na hindi ako bumalik sa dati na naging makasarili yung motibo ko sa pamumuno. Pero sa huli, napagtanto kong parang ganun pa rin naman – parang naging makasarili pa rin ako.

Punyetang culion kasi yan. Ni hindi ko man lang magawang makahingi ng patawad sa harap ng klase noon. Pano kasi naisip ko na baka pag humingi ako ng patawad, baka ang lumabas lang nagiging papapel pa ko eh natalo na nga kami’t lahat-lahat. Kaya yung sakit noon na ako yung may kasalanan kung bakit nauwi sa wala yung pinaghirapan ng klase, sinarili ko na lang. Kunwari hindi na lang ako nasasaktan noon at kunwari wala lang rin sakin. Nakalimutan kong tao nga rin pala sila, haha, at akalain mo yun, nasaktan rin sila. Tanga ka talaga, ryan, tanga. Eh makakahingi pa ba ko ng patawad ngayon eh medyo matagal nang panahon yun nung nangyari. Eh di lalu nga akong magmumukhang papapel pag nagkataon. Tarantado ka talaga ryan. Hayup ka.

Patawad imed…

Kaya ayan. Dumating tuloy ako sa isang punto na may nanunumbat na sa akin (At oo, kaya nakadiretsong Filipino ito ay para hindi maintindihan ng putanginang iyon. Yikee. May ideya na siya kung sino). Tapos alam mo ba yung masakit dun? Hindi ko mapagtanggol yung sarili ko. Kasi ako yung mali eh. Kahit nasasaktan ako at gusto kong hindi paniwalaan yung mga sinasabi niya, wala akong magawa. Kasi alam kong tama siya. Kung mali ka ba, wala kang karapatang magalit kahit nasasaktan ka? Kahit magalit na lang ng alang-alang sa pagiging tao mo na nasasaktan rin?

Sinumbat niya sakin yung culion. Dominante raw ako. Mapagmanipula. Yung tipong tarantado ba. At kahit hindi niya sinabi, alam kong gusto niya ring isumbat na pagkatapos ng lahat-lahat, nauwi lang rin naman sa wala yung pinaghirapan nila. Alam kong gusto niyang isumbat na wala akong kwenta mamuno.

At iyon ay pagkatapos kong umalis sa pisay na dala ang lahat ng natutunan ko mula sa mga tao doon tungkol sa kung paano tunay na mamuno. Pagkatapos ng lahat ng itinuro sa akin ng buhay, kakalimutan ko lang rin pala. Kundi ba naman tanga.

Alang-alang sa kawalang-hiyaang ginawa ko noong nakaraang pebrero, patawad sa ubod ng panget at walang kwentang dula na pinilit, sinigaw-sigawan, at inapi-api ko kayong gawin. Patawad ng sobra. Sobra sobra.

Dahil sa isang cellphone video na nagtataglay ng isang kahayupang tunay

*this was created a month ago? not sure.. :)

Sa tingin ko, kaya ko nagawang matutoong magsulat ay upang sa mga panahong tulad nito – kung saan ang bawat patak ng ulan ay tila mabigat na kung anong tumatapak sa iyong dibdib at nagpapabigat dito, kung saan sa di malamang dahilan ay biglang dumidilim at lumuluha na lamang ang buwan, kung saan sa malayo’y maririnig ang mahinang pagluha ng mga payaso – magagawa kong mailabas ang aking nararamdaman sa pamamagitan ng salita, ng titik, ng tunog. Kasabay marahil ng pagbigay sa akin ng kakayahang ito ang kaalamang sa maraming mga susunod na sandali’y mararamdaman ko ang ganito. At pasalamat pa nga akong sa pamamagitan nito’y magagawa ko iyong ilabas ng tahimik at di mapapansin ng iba. Pasalamat pa nga akong sa pamamagitan nito’y di ko kailangang umiyak – dahil ang mga salita ang gagawa niyon para sa akin.

Ngunit kung iwawaksi ko ba ang kakayahan ay mawawala rin ang kaakibat na kalungkutan? Kung hahayaan kong maging tanga na lamang akong muli sa paggamit ng mga salita, muli bang babalik ang mga ngiting napapawi? Muli ba akong sasaya?

Dahil kahit pa may paraan upang ito’y mawala, ang kalungkuta’y nararamdaman pa rin, kahit kaunti lamang, sa mga sandaling hindi mo pa ito naisusulat. At hindi ba iyon ang pinakamasakit? Ang maramdaman ang isang lungkot ng sandali lamang – animo’y pinaaasa kang hanggang doon na lamang ito’t di na muling mararamdaman.

O kaya naman marahil ay tanga lamang ang nagsusulat. O kaya’y ingrato sa paraang binigyan na nga ng ikasisiya, ang gusto pa’y mawala ng tuluyan ang nagpapalungkot sa kanya.

Sa mata ng mga nakakariwasa...

... krisis na nga, itinuturing pang biyaya.

Hindi ko anbasa ang editoryal ng Philippine Daily Inquirer noong nakaraang martes pero sa nabasa ko sa blog ni Cheska, parang buti na lang at hindi na ako nakapagbabasa ng dyaryo ngayon at likas akong hindi mahilig sa mga editoryal.

Ayon sa post ni Cheska, hinanapan ng naturang artikulo ang kasalukuyang krisis (sa langis, ang tumataas na inflation rate, tumataas na pamasahe, at kung anu-ano pang tumataas na nagpapahirap pa lalo sa mahirap na nga Pilipino) ng nakukuha diumanong mabuti ng mga Pilipino mula dito.

Isipin mo un, krisis na ha. Kahirapan na ang pinag-uusapan tapos sasabihin sa iyo ng isang editoryal sa dyaryo na mabuti nga iyon at nakakatulong ka sa kalikasan?!?! Lalu pa't di naman kaila na sa panahon ngayon, halos lahat ng Pilipino di magkaintindihan kung paano kakain!

At para mawindang kayo sa kung paano nagkakamali ang perspektibo at pananaw ng mga "priviledged" sa mga bagay-bagay basahin ninyo ang blog entry ni cheska:

http://areyouafundamentalparticle.blogspot.com/2008/07/hooray-for-inflation.html

Tapos pagnilay-nilayan mo kung bakit halos lahat ng Pilipino ngayon tahimik na lang at halos hindi mo na maririnig ang pag-aray nila sa sunod-sunod na pahirap na dala ng dumadausdos na ekonomiya, para mapagtanto mong hindi na nila magawang umaray dahil marahil ay hindi na kasi iyon sapat sa sobrang hapdi.

Tapos pupurihin pa ang mga latigong humahampas sa kanila? Kundi ba naman tanga.

I hated Math 5

I hated Math 5.

I really hated Math 5.

No, seriously, I really really hated Math 5.

But see, for things that make you tougher and better as a student, more so as a scholar of the government and as a student that is paid to study HARD, those things that challenge your very being to exert more than what you can and excel more on the things you’re bad at – things that push you to the limit, no matter how hate-able it can be – are the things that you’ll eventually love. Things like this, though you hate now, can propel you to breeze through other things that could have been tougher if not for the former.

Even we, INATRMED students, who are actually supposed to have a course centered on biological and medical sciences, still have three math subjects: Math 17, Math 100 and Math 101. Math 17 is the basic math while Math 101 is statistics.

And guess what, Math 100 is calculus.

I know, right? Why the hell are we studying calculus for? Do we seriously have to integrate just so we can measure the pimple of our patients? Or wait, do we have to make a graph and check its continuity just so we’d have quantitative values regarding its location on our patient’s butt?

Oh yeah, I doubted its significance. But see, the world would not fail to prove you wrong many times. We use math in Nephrology, not exactly sure kung calculus talaga pero related ata, in computing for concentration gradients, etc. See, even medicine needs math.

This brings me to my stand (this is the part of an article where the writer would actually just state its stand because he can’t find any other creative way to tell it.): Math 5 should remain as a REQUIRED subject for Pisay seniors.

Why?

One: It is undoubtedly useful. It prepares the Pisay scholars for their math subjects in college, making the scholars have a good foundation for the basic concepts.

Two: If it is removed solely because it is TOO ADVANCED for high school students, then why the hell would Pisay remain to be called the premier high school of the country? If they think something as basic as math 5 is too hard for us, then why still call us gifted? If the main reason for removing it is that it’s too advanced, thus too hard, for us, how would we be different then to the other high schools? Ganito ba kaliit ang tingin ng BOT sa kakayahan ng isang Pisay scholar?

I know it could be that they are just concerned, but the mere fact that many have survived Math 5 means that it is not beyond our capacity.

Come on, those people who got a 5.0 in Math 5 failed not because it was too hard. They failed because of external factors – whether intentional or unintentional, whether it’s their fault or not. For crying out loud, it’s just stupid – PLAIN stupid – to remove a subject just because some fail in meeting its requirements.

And I feel offended that the Math Department is even pushed to comparing our curriculum with the other science high schools. Aren’t we even supposed to have a harder curriculum compared to the other high schools of the country solely because we bear the title of being the premier high school of the country? Wouldn’t it be just right to give justice to that title by actually making sure that we are not just high school graduates after we leave Pisay, but exceptional high school graduates? I’m sure that’s what the country would want. After all, we spend tax payer’s money for our education so why not be the best as a form of respect for being scholars?

It’s just irritating that things like this, when looked upon in the wrong paradigm, can lead to actions that can actually decrease the standard of excellence that our beloved Pisay has. We should not let that be. If there’s something to fight for, judging by what I witness with quesci’s standards, excellence is something we, alumni, should protect.

Boom

I've need to be...complete. (centrum. haha.)

No really. I need reasons AND ways to love myself and appreciate myself back from the disgusting viewpoint of myself that I have right now. Okay, I'm starting to sound conceited. Sorry. It's just that to feel like this AGAIN makes me think like I've never learned anything after so many years. The last time I've felt this was way back first year high school when I was all emo and such. You know, the usual teenage angst. Now, to think that I'm already about to receive my right in watching movie rated R18, feeling this makes me puke.

Or maybe I just really wanted to write in English again, as an act of rebellion to the PI paper that I'm writing right now and can't finish because blog entries like this distract me.

Fix your life, Ryan. Finish the freakin' paper.

Touch Us Not Malacañang!

Is Gloria and her freaking office really determined to CORRUPT EVERY SINGLE INSTITUTION that is trying its best to do something good for the country?

Because if she does, then the news report I heard from ABS-CBN's "Bandila" should come as no surprise at all. No wonder her rotting administration is now targeting Pisay.

Pisay had much controversies that it had to face during the past years. From the pointless and debatable controversy about the Opus Dei teachers to the alleged breaching of several policies, it tried its very best, just like it had always done so in the past, to handle them well. This includes the recent, MOST DESTRUCTIVE controversy that it had to face - the Fabro-Mercury Poisoning Case.

It was destructive because it freaking ruined the image of every Pisay Scholar in the country. It was destrcutive because most, if not all, Pisay Scholars were questioned practically by everyone that knew about the case, if the poisoning was true. It was destructive because we had to answer YES - yes, it was true that a supposedly intelligent senior student was twisted enough to poison another person - and we had to endure the disappointment of everyone that asked the question.

This case has done its part in marring the image that this country's premier high school has long protected. And we are just happy that something was done in response to it. We are NOT PROUD of this case but just like any institution, Pisay is run by humans that make errors. And just like any institution, it is also run by humans that can correct those errors and give justice.

The Philippine Science High School has its own Board of Trustees. And it is the one that corrects the things that are insufficient to conform to the school's standard of excellence. The BOT decides upon cases like this - whether the student still deserves to remain a scholar of the Filipinos or not. But apparently, the Malacañang believes otherwise.

According to the news I've watched in "Bandila," the office of the president had inverted BOT's decision to dismiss M*nzon - the alleged student that poisoned Fabro, another Pisay student. This is so for reasons I'm not sure if the news report aired because I failed to watch the first part. In Pisay terms, when you are already a fourth year student and you got dismissed, you will be graduating not with a Pisay diploma but only with a DepEd diploma. BOT decided to dismiss M***on, thus, disabling him to graduate as a Pisay Scholar.

There are many reasons why I am now officially enraged after hearing this. Here they are:

First, Malacañang NEVER cared (well, at least not when it comes to policies) about Pisay. This is the first I've heard that they actually meddled with Pisay matters (of course, other than the pushing of other lawmakers regarding the constrcton of othe Pisay units. Other maters, if here, I'm not aware.) And what's practically wrong with this "meddling" is that it concerns inverting a decision about a "student case." I would understand that this can be just disgusting Philippine politics if this concerns people from the administration, building constructions, etc. But something as deep as a student case? There is just something wrong. Why would the president of the Philippines be too concerned about a STUDENT who received a disciplinary action due to his conduct last last year? Aren't the rice crisis and Lozada enough to be problematic about? Heck, this issue didn't even become a national issue that everyone in the country knew. Only those who give a damn or who knows what Pisay is all about cared. There are just so many national issues, why and how can the president care about something that is is such a small scale as compared to the other problems they're facing right now?

Second, why this particular student and this particular case? Oh, didn't GMA or her staff knew about the Pisay student that did not graduate with a Pisay diploma simply because he or she exceeded the limit for the number of absences? Didn't GMA or her staff knew about the Pisay students that got dismissed simply because of a failing mark in one of his or her subjects? And these were imposed because these were the rules of the school. And under the rules these, along with the case of M***on, are subject to dismissal. And as an institution that follows the rules that it has created to govern itself, so UNLIKE the government that we have now, Pisay stands by these rules and IMPLEMENTS them well. Besides, these students got dismissed for reasons far less than that of M***on's and yet Malacañang never cared. So why now? Why does it care so much now that it had to meddle with Pisay's implementation of it's own rules?

Third, since when does the Malacañang know more about Pisay students than the Board of Trustees (BOT)? Heck, Malacañang does not even know the constitution well enough to actually prevent Gloria and all other government officials from corrupting the country's money. Why then should it know more about Pisay than Pisay itself? Even if Pisay is under the DOST, it is obvious that the Office of the President know less about Pisay's rules and regulations. I would have been less surprised if the inversion came from the DOST. But from the Office of the President? What's the connection? Seriously, if there is someone more eligible to make a decision about these matters - student matters, for crying out loud - it would be none other than the school, in his case, the BOT of PSHS. The only reason why the inversion from the Office of the President would make an impact is simply because Pisay remains to be under the government (gosh, if only we could be autonomous like UP!). Otherwise, it does not have anything to do with the school.

Fourth, the case was not just disciplinary but almost CRIMINAL. It even almost killed Fabro and had mad her, until now, subject to sterility. THAT WAS MERCURY, for crying out loud! Even the average student knows how fatal that element is! This is not just about a school ego being bruised. This is not just about the stupid government corrupting another honest institution. It's about a girl trying to find justice. And for what that's worth, for a life that could have been possibly ruined, can they not allow justice to incur a punishment, even if its as simple as a 'no diploma?'

Fifth, I have long looked upon Pisay with nothing les than a beacon of excellence. And for that excellence to be ruined by a scholar or by a government, it is simply DESPICABLE. Even Solito's movie wasn't that enough to bring back the image of Pisay that was lost. No one should be called a PSHS Scholar without deserving the title. Genius is not enough. It should have with it the same amount of values expected from it. As an alumni, I do not want to be in the same league as those students sho simply did not deserve what the other alumni, including I, worked for for four years. I do not want to be in the same league as those who have chosen not to value what the school hold dear - LIFE.

Sixth, if he is innocent of the charges against him, why use the DISGUSTING politics of this pathetic country just so he can rid of those allegations? That is just plaine COWARDICE. He WAS once a student of Pisay. He knows that there are o other ways to prove innocence. So I challenge him to drop this utter stupidity of using a rotting government to save his ass and just once, become man enough to face what is thrown at him in the proper courts with due processes. For once, prove to the Pisay community that you still have dignity and that you were still the genius, which Pisay inculcated with values, that everyone thought you were.

Seventh, I DARE NOT BE SILENT ABOUT THIS. Touch us not with your filthy hands Malacañang!

A really sincere apology. Hahaha.

I'm starting to hate the fact that Cheska produces a lot of REALLY good entries while all I can come up with is a pathetic apology for an entry. Yes, I apologize to this blog for not really helping it serve its purpose in the world by having good blog entries. I apologize for having so much to write about, but still choosing not to (like a review for the movie "Gabriel," which has a really good concept; I'm not just sure if it jives with theological ideas and whether it is, at any point blasphemous. Still, it really has a good concept, somthing most hollywood movies lack nowadays since they just rip off japanese horror films now.).

So there. I'm just posting, AGAIN, so that at least I would have a post for the month March. Hey, I don't want to openly admit that I'm starting to lose my pasion in writing about just anything! Hehe.

Kidding aside, I do exert effort. I'm applying for the college of medicine's newspaper now. I'm placed no the news com, however, which is irritating because I hate writing in a very rigid manner (heck, even how to write dates have rules!). Seriously, I'm a feature writer by heart. This is torture. They're just lucky they teamed me up with my *ehem*imed*ehem*crush*ehem* which makes writing news, really, really, worthwhile. (Yes, pito, this means 2-3 in favor of me!) :D

Oh, and of course, since this is becoming a great update on what's happening in my life now, I would also like to announce that our batch's summer getaway would be none other than up manila. This means studying STILL when the rest of the college of medicine takes a break. I hate our life-draining curriculum. Haha.

By the way, the end of this year's second summer also marked the end of our last hard math subject (because the last math subject we would have to forcefully take up this summer, which would be easy daw according to the upper years)!! So then again, I love our curriculum. Hehe.

There. Nothing much is happening to my life anyway. It's just always full of "I have to study" mode since my scholarship was almost jeopardized by guess what subject - math! Hay. See! Even updating my blog through an entry about my personal experiences is boring! I seriously have to write again.

By the way, according to my elder sister, Sitti has this great quote about your passion before college would still be your passion after colloge. HAha, sabi ko na eh! One way or another, I'll have that documentary or that Palanca-winning-short story!

On doctors stripping on stage, Activated Charcoals, and the dullness of my blog

Intro lang na walang connection:
Tinanong ng kaklase ko sa Imed sa teacher namin sa Chem 14 (si Sir Engle) dati kung bakit kailangan pa naming i-convert sa nanometers ang wavelength ng light at bakit hindi na lang meters. Ang sagot niya:

"Ganito lang yan class eh. Kapag hindi natin kinonvert, parang kang tinanong kung anong waistline mo tapos sumagot ka naman in kilometers."

hahaha. wala lang. isipin mo na lang:

"Miss, anong waistline mo?"

"0.00000078 kilometers."

hahahaha. parang kahit puro decimal place, malaki pa rin. lol.

--//--

College of Med recently had its anual "Tao Rin Pala" variety show. And Imed2014 had its first exposure to it din. Tao rin pala yung title asi gusto rin nlang patnayan na tao rin ang med students, nagvavariety show din kami. hahaha.

in fairness, the upperclassmen were REALLY good. As in todo performance. nakakabilib.

at siyempre di nagpatalo ang mga doctors sa PGH, part pa rin naman kasi sila ng College eh. at ibang klase pala magperform ang mga taga-dept. of surgery. haha. wala silang ginawa sa stage kundi nagtanggal ng polo at pants. yun lang. haha. imagine naked doctors undulating in the stage. haha. parang hindi tuloy kami makapaniwala na sila rin yng mga nagooperate sa mga tao sa OR! lol.

--//--

Alam mo ba na mabisang adsorbent ang activated charcoal para sa food coloring? haha. di naman masyadong obvious na gumagawa ako ng lab rep sa chem. pero di nga. kung may food coloring yung juice mo or something tapos ayaw mo nung kulay, lagyan mo ng activated charcoal tapos i-filter mo. tada!

di ko nga lang sure kung pwede pang inumin. :)

--//--

my blog is struggling for new posts nowadays. sorry ah. sobrang busy kasi eh. at malamang sa mga susunod na linggo ganun pa rin. bakit pa kasi kailangang mag-college eh! haha.

pasensya blog. till next time. :)

This is a rant

If you think cell structure is all about ribosomes, lysosomes, nuclei, etc. and that you've memorized everything about them when you were in high school, think again. Try zonula occludens, macula adherens, dictyosomes' cisternae, glycocalixes, clathrins, and the mucopolysaccharides of cell walls in prokaryotes.

It's nauseating. Grabe. Histology I can handle, but this? Torture! O, yeah, this is a rant. I can't help it see. Ranting is like the most efficient and effortless thing that one can do to fight extreme tiredness and bad schedules like this one:

8-10 am: Bio 22 Lecture Departmental Exam
1-3 pm: Chem 14 Departmental Exam
4-6 pm: Math 100 Departmental Exam

What's worse than two departmental exams on two critical subjects on the same day? Three departmentals on three critical subjects on the same day.

Did I mention the exams are on a saturday?

Where's the spirit of Christmas and the "be merry, have fun" mood on proffesors this season???

My Gastrocnemia is Hot.

Haha. Gastrocnemia ang tawag dun sa muscle na nakaumbok sa may leg mo. Yung matabang part. Yun. Sabi ng teacher ko kung gusto mo daw maging hot ang legs mo, dapat defined ang gastrocnemia mo. haha.

Kahapon, ang bastos ng dila ko. As in lantarang kung anu-anong phrases na mali ang wording kaya nagmumukhang iba yung meaning na lumalabas sa bibig ko kaya feeling ko andami kong na-offend. Hay nako. Bad tongue.

See, powerful ang words. Yung simpleng paggamit ko ng Taglish na sentences sa mga blog entries ko may implications sa akin at sa nagbabasa. Yung simpleng hoy nga lang pwedeng makapagpasaya, makapagpatawa o makapagpagalit sa isang tao eh. I once mentioned in one of my essays that I believe no matter how much actions can speek louder than words, words would hurt more than actions do.

Minsan lang talaga, ang hirap pigilin ng lumalabas sa bibig natin. Minsan pa compelled ka na ipagtanggol yung ibig mong sabihin. Pero baka lalo lang lumalala.

Haha. Akala mo ang seryoso ng nangyari sa akin eh no na parang napaaway ako and all that. di naman. Napansin ko lang.

Tsaka wala na aksi akong masabi. Believe me, ang daming nangyayari sa buhay ko sa imed at sa upmanila (like the fact that I have another crush that sings like, whoah. She should have won. Stupid judges. Pero class 2010 ata siya haha. so either 4 years ang tanda niya sakin o 6 years. but who cares?! Haven't I just said she's really pretty and she sings like an angel?!) at nakakapagod na rin siya. Pero madalas kasi, hindi masyadong malaki yung impact ng mga yun para matandaan ko at magawan ng blog entry pagdating ko dito sa qc ng saturday. Hindi ko na magawang matandaan pa ang mga ganung bagay. I still have Gastrocnemias, auxins, giberillins, Colegio Dental de Liceo de Manila, and cos (A+B) to remember!

Hay. How unfortunate but I still have to go back to the Insular Board of Health that was established through Act no. 157 and its members (both active and honorary).

McSmall.

It's like the single most depressing thing I've had today. The rest were happy moments. haha.

ANG LIIT NA NG BURGERS NG Mcdo. And to think sabi ko pa sa kuya ko dun na lang kami kasi mas masarap ang burgers ng mcdo (escept for Jollibee's Chicken Burger which is to die for). Tapos nagintay pa kami ng 15 minutes para sa order namin kasi hindi pa luto. tapos... tada! may isang bubwit na sausage mcmuffin na inabot yung crew. grabe. nakakagalit. parang eggnog lang! joke, hindi naman. pero ang laki kasi ng niliit niya. parang anu ba, alam kong tag-hirap pero wag mo namang ipamukha samin ang height ni gloria at ang size ng economy ng bansa! alam na namin yan!

(oops, the economy is growing na nga pala dahil sa mga kawawang OFW. still. maliit pa rin. :P)

--//

moving on... wait. hindi ko kaya. i can't help it!! grabe! pag naaalala ko yung mcsmall burgers nanggagalaiti ako. why?!?! why?!?! why do you have to make my venerated burgers so small?!?! WHY?!?!?!?!?!

Blame Sir Args

Sabi ko kasi kay Sir Args: "Sir Args! Nagscience course ako!" Kasi kapag nagdidirect ako ng mga presentations ng electron, lagi niya akong sinasabihan na hindi daw ako magsa-science course at mag te-theater daw ako. Kaya kanina, nung bumalik ako sa pisay, proud naman akong pinagmalaki na mas pinili ko ang larangan ng agham kesa sa sining.

pero hindi eh. Sir Args never fail to hit me back. Sabi ba naman niya:

"Intamed ka di ba? Okay lang. Matagal pa (panahon mo para marealize)."

wah. nakakaiyak. At sa totoo lang, mas natatakot na kong pasukin ang intarmed. Natatakot akong baka sa gitna ng seven years, titigil na lang ako bigla at magku-quit. Ayoko kasi ng may sinisimulan na hindi tinatapos. Kaya nga hindi ako sumuko sa Pisay noon eh.

Pero ngayon, nalilito na ulit ako. Si Sir Args kasi eh. Tsaka napagtanto ko na, kahit ngayon, excited na ko magstart ang pasukan di dahil sa classmates o kahit sa mga pag-aaralan namin. Excited na ko kasi merong mga play at contests ang med within the year. Katulad ng TRP, Mediscene, atbp. At excited na ko makapagdirect o kahit makapagrelay man lang ng mga ideya sa teatro. Kamusta naman yun.

:(

isa lang talaga ang bagay na makakasira ng araw ko in a split second.
shet.
i never asked for this.
its a curse you know.

cameo role

"dude, extra ka lang."

haha. ang sakit. it's like saying: you're unimportant, so don't act like as if you are.

pero no offense, totoo naman eh. nag-eextra lang kami for the movie. at, katulad ng sabi ni ma'am jams, a production talaga is all about waiting. ako, ang reklamo ko lang naman ay may mga tao samin na katulad ni christmas na nanggagaling pa from Laguna, spents 400 pesos to commute from there to pisay (take note, 200 lang ang bayad samin. so kulang pa pampamasahe.), spend 4 hours just to get to pisay, and then does nothing pagdating dun sa set. wala lang. kawawa naman siya di ba?

yun lang naman. sana lang hindi kami 8 hours naghihintay. sobra naman ata yun. 6 ng umaga kami papupuntahin tapos 4 kami magagamit? brutal. yun lang naman. nanghihingi lang kami na sana may plano talaga yung buong thing. yung, kung pwede malalaman namin kung ilang sequences kami magagamit for the day, kung magagamit ba talaga kami o hindi, ano yung expected time na magsisimula yung pagshoot nung sequence namin and all that, etc. sayang kasi yung oras eh. i do a lot of things nowadays to prepare for college. and i miss those things just because i want to be a part of this production. at dahil para sa pisay to. at dahil idol ko si aureus.

hindi kami nagpapaimportante. we just want a better, more planned schedule (grabe kaya, 16 sequences dapat tapos apat lang yung nagagawa. something's wrong.) tsaka yung paninindigan na kapag sinabi nila na 10pm makakauwi na kami, nakakauwi talaga kami at hindi aabot ng 230am bago kami talaga makauwi. sayang kaya sa load. paulit-ulit kaming magtetext sa parents namin na hindi pa tapos yung shooting. tsaka kawawa parents namin eh. sila yung naghihintay.

yun lang naman. hindi naman talaga nagrereklamo. kung feeling mo ganun, pwes basahin mo ulit at subukan mong basahin ng may consideration at mas malawak na understanding. nahihirapan kasi kami. hindi biro. we just don't want to quit because we're doing it for the school at nakakahiya lang talaga kay direk aureus na sobrang bait.

yun lang naman.

tsaka, isa pa, ako alam ko kung gaano kahirap mag-direk. naalala ko pa nga na nagagalit ako sa classmates ko dahil lang pagalagala sila eh habang naghihintay at kung bakit hindi sila mag-stay put sa isang lugar. kaya naiintindihan ko kung gaano kahirap magplano at magschedule. alam ko na may tendency talagang ang mga extra ay hindi mo mapapansin for most parts at di mo maaasikaso. pero yun nga. you can at least make the schedule more favorable for them. para di rin sila nahihirapan sa kahihintay. parang nung nagshoot kami para sa pinoy. ginawan ko ng paraan na lahat ng scenes na may extra, gagawin na lang in one day or at least mas maaga para makauwi na sila asap. ganun. tsaka come to think of it, kung nagagawa naman nila yung 16 sequences, we would have been of use more siguro.

ewan, sana lang mas maging maayos na. they called for a one week suspension of shooting eh. sana magawan na nila ng plano. it would be a great movie eh. :)

"come on, guys, i need my beauty sleep." -- sleeping beauty @ 2am