I just want someone to ask if i'm okay

i think i'm too selfish. or too deprived thus selfish. or too needy thus too deprived so becoming too selfish. or too giving, but conditionally, making me too needy thus too deprived so becoming too selfish. or too loyal to become too giving, albeit conditionally that made me needy thus too deprived so becoming too selfish.

or too stupid.

i just want anyone to ask if i'm fucking okay. kasi hindi.

Please

Ewan. Siguro masyado lang nga atang malakas ang sense of loyalty at allegiance ko. I can fight for someone or something I'm that attached to. Siguro nga masyado lang malakas.

Masyadong malakas that it hurts when people can't reciprocate it back. Di naman masama humiling di ba? Pero ewan, they say they're there for you but they won't even dare try to understand where you're coming from.

Puro na lang logic. Sawang sawa na ko sa logic. Sawang sawa na ko sa rational. I've been doing it for some time now, bakit, natanggal ba ng rationality na yan lahat ng nararamdaman ko? Puta, nasa tama ka nga, gusto mo namang sumabog.

Let it fall, let it fall, make me cry. Please

Letting go

When we lost trp last year, it was shit. It felt like you had something so nice and you have to throw it off a bridge, no questions asked. And within that feeling, it's really the "no questions asked" part that hurt; it implied no control. Na parang bahala ka na lang sa buhay mo, masaktan ka or whatever, basta mawawala na to sayo.

I wanted to cry so bad that tears won't come out. They were scared to flow like hell. And it pushed me to a state that i'm just internally confused and externally destructive. Na parang, alam mo yun, whatever happened to my peace?

And now, all over again.

Madaling tanggapin na natalo ka eh. Lalu na kung wala ka namang magagawa either way. Or kahit pilitin mong may magawa, walang mangyayari. Tapos na eh. Wala sayo ang remote. Wala sayo ang control. All you can do is watch. And hurt. Fucking hurt.

Madaling tanggapin na natalo ka eh. A defeat does not signify the end of life. Sabi nila it's just really a beginning. But fuck them all. Oo, it's not the end of everything, but it's the end of something. Eh yung something yung gusto ko eh, over and above everything. Tapos wala kang control na matatapos na? Walang preparation, walang buwelo, walang warning, walang kahit ano. Para akong nasnatch-an ng cellphone. Mapapamura sa pagkagulat. Tapos sisigaw ka ng mura ulit para lang makaganti. Hahabulin mo pero di mo mahahabol. Hanggang sa pag pagod ka na, titigil ka, tapos mangyayari yung never ending stare sa kawalan. Yung pipilitin mong habulin ng tingin ang isang bagay na nawala sayo ngayon-ngayon lang. Yung sandamukal na options yung lalabas sa utak mo pero wala kang magagawa. Pwede kang maiyak, magalit, mainis. Pero at the end of it all, uuwi kang talo.

Madaling tanggapin na natalo ka eh. Pero pagkatapos nun? Pag alam mo na? What now? Pwede mo ipaglaban, pwede mo ideny sa sarili mo, pwede ka maging destrcutive, calm, hysterical, violent, o kung anu-ano pa. Pwede kang maging vengeful. But at that moment that it will dawn on you na wala na talaga, malulungkot ka lang. Yung malalim na di mo na alam nasan ka. Pag narealize mong wala na talaga, yun yung mahirap eh. Yung gagawin mo pagkatapos.

2nd defeat since december. By now, dapat may experience na ko sa gagawin at iisipin ko. But it still feels so new, siguro dahil magkaiba nga rin naman.

Pero in fairness sakin, nasulat ko na siya. Finally. Please let me go. Please let go.

Control, go back to my life. Make me the captain of my ship. Take me back.

Yung mabigat na pakiramdam na di mo maalis at di mo matanggal na nararamdaman mo sa tuwing hihinga ka

Sometimes we just stumble into an opportunity, which we will decide to grab and out of it will come all those explanations you seek too much but never really got the chance to get. Realizations.

Suddenly, you understand the who's. You understand the why's. You understand the what's.

And you know, if you're reading this, I'm sure you'll understand nothing. Your mind will be tempted to assume it has an idea, but it doesn't. I think, my writing skills evolved into this capability to be so cryptic, sometimes it backfires and hurts me so much more.

Maraming pagkakataong pinipilit kong maging malungkot para makapagsulat. Pero ngayong malungkot akong talaga, bat hindi ko maisulat?

Kung sa pagsulat, nagiging totoo ang lahat, ibig sabihin bang may pag-asa pang kathang isip lang lahat to? Sana kapag binasa mong mulit ito, kahit gaano kalabo, kahit gaano kawalang direksyon ng sulating to, makuha mong muli, sarili ko mula sa hinaharap, ang nararamdaman ko ngayon.

Nawala ba? Paano? Please sabihin mo na lang.

I miss my old self back so much. I miss the walls. I miss the invulnerability against other people. If the yellow brick road and the rainbow bridge both lead to solitude, what was all this for?

Just kill me now.

Ptolemy

Not everything revolves around you.

I'm writing because for the first time in my life, I had nothing else to say to people anymore.

I was once good at telling people how I feel. I'm almost very poetic about it. At the same time, I'm a priceless listener as well. I have to be, I only have one ear.

Now, well everyone's damaged. And ewan. Sometimes I just want the people i care for, I listen to, and I give advice to, to ask me if I'm okay. And I will say I am, promise. It's just that no one asks.

And no one listens. fuck.

Selfish ba ko? Or selfish sila for expecting me not to be?