the beauty of a literary work is not in the perfection of grammar, in the profoundness of words, nor in the greatness of the writer but in the effort and passion the writer puts in the work...
the beauty of a literary work is not measured by the praise of the readers nor the speculation of the critics but its relevance to the reader... how much it touches a person's life and perspective...
that is why perhaps a lot of us like HARRY POTTER... because its beauty does not lie in its depth but in the relevance to its reader... its about a teenager struggling to find his place in the world... much like a lot of us...
so the beauty of the RYAN CHRONICLES must neither be measured by the depth, the perfection nor the profoundness but in its relevance to us and the passion the writer placed in his every work...
i personally salute the writer... since despite what may seem to be offending... the readers have not reacted violently but instead praised the writer's keenness in observation...
i believe the writer can put into writing anything he wishes... and yet he has chosen to reflect what he truly sees in his readers...
he may have motives.... whether to merely amuse or to show the perhaps negative side that we often see but do not bother openly revealing...
think about it... would EME be this bonded if it weren't for the RYAN CHRONICLES?
it has allowed each one of us to be more open to each other precisely because it shows us the negative side which we often try to conceal...
so i say to you now... RYAN CHRONICLES is one of the best literary works i have ever read... the beauty of which i cannot describe with even the most profound of words...
so now i express my gratitude to this noble writer... who has taken the risk of revealing the side we most often neglect... and has made us EME... strong... the bonded EME which i hope will last till the end of our days...
i really regret that the writer has chosen to end this great work... but indeed with this ending i have come to realize the importance of the work i have been reading for the past 2 school years of my life... and i am glad and proud to be a friend of such a great and noble writer...
---> written by: Rob Roque
12.16.2004
..An end..
The Final Chronicle
Ryan Magtibay
“One!” Erik shouted.
I remembered running in the fields, with the wind blowing past me while the sun is setting down on a mountain in the west. I loved chasing dragonflies, then. I would almost always catch them. I never did, though. I tried so hard, yet it never seemed enough. And every time, I would run back home and cry. I once asked my mom why I couldn’t catch any of the pesky flying insects. Well, she frowned at me. Then, she told me that the dragonflies are also exerting a lot of effort to run away from me. And every time I gave up chasing them, I let them win.
My mom sent me to a high school in Manila immediately after elementary graduation. I never wanted to go, but my mom insisted. She even used my late dad’s dreams for me so that I would yield to what she wants. I wasn’t able to do anything about it. The day after graduation, I found myself riding a bus, all alone, to Manila.
For the first time ever, I was all-alone in my first day of school. Mom said it was a good school and that I was very lucky to be chosen as one of its scholars. We can’t afford a school that is this good, so I have to maintain my scholarship. I doubt it though. Without friends, I won’t live a day here.
“Two!” he continued.
I met Elmer after two weeks of agony on that school. Elmer helped me adjust on a lot of things, especially on living alone. My mom still visited once or twice every month. And for the rest of the days that I won’t find her excitedly knocking at my door just to see me, I had Elmer as company. Elmer was also from the province, but he stayed in Manila long enough to know everything you have to do to adjust your way of life here. He was a jewel to me during those times. If it weren’t for him, I would have never survived a month in the suburbs of this city.
My grades could not go any higher. It is my fourth year in this school already and I am still the greatest of them all. My grades are at the peak. And I am proud of them. I can already see a promising future for me. This is the start of my success. And I am not letting go.
I was accepted as a scholar on one of the greatest universities in the Philippines. It was unbelievable. But, just like Elmer said, nothing is impossible if you would put your mind and soul in achieving it. Elmer got accepted, too. And, after high school graduation, wherein I graduated as the valedictorian by the way, both of us went to Quezon City to finally finish the stepping stone of our success.
College life. And there could be nothing easier to adjust to. Here, you have freedom, freedom to do anything you want, freedom to party, to joke around, to express yourself, to enjoy the final stages of your life before you indulge yourself into the real world, before everything turns from a bloody joke to a serious and confusing reality. This is it. College.
“Three!” he screeched.
My first two years were incredible. My standing was that of a magna cum laude. Elmer, on the other hand, was on a cum laude standing. I had never been so confident and proud. And I had never been so careless and innocent.
I met Erik the day after that big party at the oblation. He invited me to hang out with his friends. They taught me a lot of things. Things that I doubt were even right. I, stupidly, indulged myself to these things. I was blinded by too much freedom that I wasn’t able to see what is right anymore.
I went from having a straight 1.0 to a straight 5.0. Elmer, my great friend, tried to redeem me, but I resisted. I prevented myself to listen to what is right. But, Elmer never gave up. He did everything he could to have me back to the good side, even if it means messing up with Erik.
It was a night just like any other. A loud bang was heard from the door. Elmer was standing there and found us spoiling ourselves in the ecstasy that shabu can give. He demanded that I come with him. He started talking some sense. He used to do that to me when I go astray. Erik got mad and instructed his friends to hold Elmer. Erik, then, handed me a shotgun, which I had no idea where the heck he got, and instructed me to blow my friend’s head off. I stood up and looked at him, while I took the gun from Erik. He was looking at me, sweat was running down on his face to his neck. He looked at me with a confused, asking-for-mercy face. I pointed the gun at him and pitileslly ended our friendship, once and for all.
I joined the syndicate Erik belonged to. And from that day on, I lived a life of killing, bombing, and stealing. The so-called success I dreamed for was nowhere to be found. And I tried to do something about it, but that became a reason for them to end my life.
I can feel now what Elmer felt years ago when a gun is pointed at your head by a man you sorely trusted.
“BANG!”
Ryan Magtibay
“One!” Erik shouted.
I remembered running in the fields, with the wind blowing past me while the sun is setting down on a mountain in the west. I loved chasing dragonflies, then. I would almost always catch them. I never did, though. I tried so hard, yet it never seemed enough. And every time, I would run back home and cry. I once asked my mom why I couldn’t catch any of the pesky flying insects. Well, she frowned at me. Then, she told me that the dragonflies are also exerting a lot of effort to run away from me. And every time I gave up chasing them, I let them win.
My mom sent me to a high school in Manila immediately after elementary graduation. I never wanted to go, but my mom insisted. She even used my late dad’s dreams for me so that I would yield to what she wants. I wasn’t able to do anything about it. The day after graduation, I found myself riding a bus, all alone, to Manila.
For the first time ever, I was all-alone in my first day of school. Mom said it was a good school and that I was very lucky to be chosen as one of its scholars. We can’t afford a school that is this good, so I have to maintain my scholarship. I doubt it though. Without friends, I won’t live a day here.
“Two!” he continued.
I met Elmer after two weeks of agony on that school. Elmer helped me adjust on a lot of things, especially on living alone. My mom still visited once or twice every month. And for the rest of the days that I won’t find her excitedly knocking at my door just to see me, I had Elmer as company. Elmer was also from the province, but he stayed in Manila long enough to know everything you have to do to adjust your way of life here. He was a jewel to me during those times. If it weren’t for him, I would have never survived a month in the suburbs of this city.
My grades could not go any higher. It is my fourth year in this school already and I am still the greatest of them all. My grades are at the peak. And I am proud of them. I can already see a promising future for me. This is the start of my success. And I am not letting go.
I was accepted as a scholar on one of the greatest universities in the Philippines. It was unbelievable. But, just like Elmer said, nothing is impossible if you would put your mind and soul in achieving it. Elmer got accepted, too. And, after high school graduation, wherein I graduated as the valedictorian by the way, both of us went to Quezon City to finally finish the stepping stone of our success.
College life. And there could be nothing easier to adjust to. Here, you have freedom, freedom to do anything you want, freedom to party, to joke around, to express yourself, to enjoy the final stages of your life before you indulge yourself into the real world, before everything turns from a bloody joke to a serious and confusing reality. This is it. College.
“Three!” he screeched.
My first two years were incredible. My standing was that of a magna cum laude. Elmer, on the other hand, was on a cum laude standing. I had never been so confident and proud. And I had never been so careless and innocent.
I met Erik the day after that big party at the oblation. He invited me to hang out with his friends. They taught me a lot of things. Things that I doubt were even right. I, stupidly, indulged myself to these things. I was blinded by too much freedom that I wasn’t able to see what is right anymore.
I went from having a straight 1.0 to a straight 5.0. Elmer, my great friend, tried to redeem me, but I resisted. I prevented myself to listen to what is right. But, Elmer never gave up. He did everything he could to have me back to the good side, even if it means messing up with Erik.
It was a night just like any other. A loud bang was heard from the door. Elmer was standing there and found us spoiling ourselves in the ecstasy that shabu can give. He demanded that I come with him. He started talking some sense. He used to do that to me when I go astray. Erik got mad and instructed his friends to hold Elmer. Erik, then, handed me a shotgun, which I had no idea where the heck he got, and instructed me to blow my friend’s head off. I stood up and looked at him, while I took the gun from Erik. He was looking at me, sweat was running down on his face to his neck. He looked at me with a confused, asking-for-mercy face. I pointed the gun at him and pitileslly ended our friendship, once and for all.
I joined the syndicate Erik belonged to. And from that day on, I lived a life of killing, bombing, and stealing. The so-called success I dreamed for was nowhere to be found. And I tried to do something about it, but that became a reason for them to end my life.
I can feel now what Elmer felt years ago when a gun is pointed at your head by a man you sorely trusted.
“BANG!”
12.12.2004
Fine...
I just finished my english project... whoo! Yeah! Finally!
Although, I still have to do my lab report on Biology, my group's project on Filipino and another projet on Biology... Then, I have to read a book for english...
It makes me wonder... Are we really on vacation? Because I can't feel it at all...
Oh, and don't ingest mahogany seeds... They are dangerous... :p
12.09.2004
Worthless
yup... ganito pala ang pakiramdam kapag lahat na ng bagay na kayang mong gawin ay magtuturnout na hindi mo pala talaga kaya... stupid world...
oh, yeah.. I'm currently feeling suicidal... hehe...
oh, yeah.. I'm currently feeling suicidal... hehe...
12.05.2004
teka... Nasa Pilipinas pa ba ako?
Nakakainis.. It's not that it is such a big deal or anything.. naiinis lang ako dahil parang wala ako sa pilipinas..
example, ang magiting na yahoogroup ng pisay07.. Bawat email, english... It's not that I can't understand them or anything pero para sakin ang yabang ng dating.. hello? pilipino 'tong kausap mo.. pinanganak na tagalog ang naririnig, lumaking tagalog ang salitang binibigkas sa paligid niya at higit sa lahat, nakakaintindi ng tagalog! magtagalog ka! tapos ingles ka ng ingles? Anung pinaparating mo ngayon? Na mas magaling ka sakin dahil fluent ka mag-english? Dahil marami kang alam na malalalim na salita? Na wala kang maling grammar? That you are superior to us because you know how to speak the so-called 'universal language' fluently? Damn you.. Ang kapal ng mukha mo... In case you don't know, you neither prove nor show anything at all..
ewan ko kung bakit naiinis ako.. It's either I really do suck in english na wala na kong magawa kundi tumakbo pabalik sa sariling wika, o talagang people are just being stupid enough not to even realize that english, in this country (which is the REPUBLIC OF THE PHILIPPINES, btw), is a foreign language.. eh feeling ko, amerikano yung mga kausap ko eh.. i mean, come on, some people don't even know that payaso is the tagalog word for clown..
Iyan ang problema sa atin... Feeling kasi natin, pag english, ang ganda-ganda, ang formal, ang lakas ng dating... Ang pakiramdam kasi natin, SUPERIOR ang english language kesa sa sarili nating wika... kaya ayaw nating gamitin ang tagalog kasi para sa atin, baduy, panget, "yuck"... Come on, para na rin nating sinabing INFERIOR tayo sa mga kano...
wake up people... kung sakaling hindi niyo alam, WIKA (which is the tagalog word for language, in case you don't know...) ang simbolo ng kalayaan ng Pilipinas (which is Philippines, the tagalog word for the name of our country, in case, again, that you don't know...), hindi ang bandila.. Kaya if you're not using our own language, you're wasting what our national heroes battled for for over 300 years...
Okay.. That was too patriotic... Actually, ang gusto ko lang naman talagang sabihin,
"I can speak english whenever and wherever I want here in this country. I just ought not to for one simple reason: I am a Filipino and part of being one is knowing and USING his own, native language, Tagalog."
example, ang magiting na yahoogroup ng pisay07.. Bawat email, english... It's not that I can't understand them or anything pero para sakin ang yabang ng dating.. hello? pilipino 'tong kausap mo.. pinanganak na tagalog ang naririnig, lumaking tagalog ang salitang binibigkas sa paligid niya at higit sa lahat, nakakaintindi ng tagalog! magtagalog ka! tapos ingles ka ng ingles? Anung pinaparating mo ngayon? Na mas magaling ka sakin dahil fluent ka mag-english? Dahil marami kang alam na malalalim na salita? Na wala kang maling grammar? That you are superior to us because you know how to speak the so-called 'universal language' fluently? Damn you.. Ang kapal ng mukha mo... In case you don't know, you neither prove nor show anything at all..
ewan ko kung bakit naiinis ako.. It's either I really do suck in english na wala na kong magawa kundi tumakbo pabalik sa sariling wika, o talagang people are just being stupid enough not to even realize that english, in this country (which is the REPUBLIC OF THE PHILIPPINES, btw), is a foreign language.. eh feeling ko, amerikano yung mga kausap ko eh.. i mean, come on, some people don't even know that payaso is the tagalog word for clown..
Iyan ang problema sa atin... Feeling kasi natin, pag english, ang ganda-ganda, ang formal, ang lakas ng dating... Ang pakiramdam kasi natin, SUPERIOR ang english language kesa sa sarili nating wika... kaya ayaw nating gamitin ang tagalog kasi para sa atin, baduy, panget, "yuck"... Come on, para na rin nating sinabing INFERIOR tayo sa mga kano...
wake up people... kung sakaling hindi niyo alam, WIKA (which is the tagalog word for language, in case you don't know...) ang simbolo ng kalayaan ng Pilipinas (which is Philippines, the tagalog word for the name of our country, in case, again, that you don't know...), hindi ang bandila.. Kaya if you're not using our own language, you're wasting what our national heroes battled for for over 300 years...
Okay.. That was too patriotic... Actually, ang gusto ko lang naman talagang sabihin,
"I can speak english whenever and wherever I want here in this country. I just ought not to for one simple reason: I am a Filipino and part of being one is knowing and USING his own, native language, Tagalog."
12.03.2004
Yoyong has left the Philippines
wala lang... gusto ko lang sabihin na ang daming napinsala..
Anyway, the storm gave me a two-day vacation from school.. Siguro alam ni God na I am close to cracking up.. Kaya yun.. hehe... actually, gusto ko lang magpost para may December 2004 archive na... hehe...
Wala akong masulat nang matino ngayong mga araw na ito eh.. Panu ba naman, I'm still stuck at understanding Kingdom Plantae and Kingdom Fungi for bio at hanapin ang magagandang naitutulong ng Mahogany seeds.. At I'm suppossed to criticize a research paper (about ultrasound as a cockroach repellant) for english... eh wala pa nga akong data eh.. Tapos hindi pa matino yung star project at practical application ko sa geometry.. haaayyy...
Gusto ko nang matulog!!
Anyway, the storm gave me a two-day vacation from school.. Siguro alam ni God na I am close to cracking up.. Kaya yun.. hehe... actually, gusto ko lang magpost para may December 2004 archive na... hehe...
Wala akong masulat nang matino ngayong mga araw na ito eh.. Panu ba naman, I'm still stuck at understanding Kingdom Plantae and Kingdom Fungi for bio at hanapin ang magagandang naitutulong ng Mahogany seeds.. At I'm suppossed to criticize a research paper (about ultrasound as a cockroach repellant) for english... eh wala pa nga akong data eh.. Tapos hindi pa matino yung star project at practical application ko sa geometry.. haaayyy...
Gusto ko nang matulog!!
11.27.2004
Ang ganda na ng blog ko sa tabulas...
haha... nakakatuwa naman... ang ganda ng layout ko sa tabulas ... kaya baka mas madalas na ko doon... eniwei, i'm trying to write another story... na pede kong ipost dito... kaso baka sa christmas pa matapos... hu cares anyway?
11.14.2004
YEHEY!!!
Well, as you can observe, isang buong buwan akong hindi nagblog... hehe... ang tagal noh? nagpromise ako sa sarili ko, ayt? at okay lang naman dahil gumana din ang pag stay-away ko sa computer... I'm back on the DL... ha! achievement yun! kaya yan... hindi na ouch ang title... yehey na... :)
10.10.2004
grammar... ahehehe...
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Cubicle
I opened the cubicle door. I went inside and closed the door gently, making sure that nobody’s around. I’m covered with sweat. I’m shaking. Yet, I know. I’m ready. Though, a voice inside my head is telling me not to do it. But I know I need to. The voice is wrong. It’s my only choice –– my only hope. I don’t want to do this either but certain circumstances are pushing me to the limits. It would be just a matter of seconds. It would be over soon. I can do this. I don’t want to but I need to. Because after this, everything would be a lot better. Everything would be just fine. Everything would be perfect. Everyone would feel much better. Only one person prevents that from happening. And he needs to be erased completely from this world. I know this is the only way.
I felt a tear run down my cheeks as I took out the knife from my pocket.
Sigh. PE can never be more exhausting. I can feel every muscle on my body crying out of too much energy drained. I can feel my brain melting down of too much work. I feel like collapsing any moment now. Fatigue is really getting in on me as I entered the shower room to, in some miraculous way, relax myself.
It was noisy, as usual. You can hear guys joking and laughing. Some were sharing stories. And others were busy doing something else. Too much joy can be perceived that it seems like no one feels any kind of tiredness at all. It was the usual setting and for months now, I got used to it.
I was about to enter the other side of the room when I bumped into someone looking very scared. I was surprised for it seemed like he hadn’t seen me at all. I think he is a freshman, judging by the green shirt he’s wearing. He has a fair complexion, and has a scar on his face. His bumping to me was really rude so I looked to him with disgust until I saw the expression printed out on his face. His eyes show tears welling up. His lips were dry and he was shaking. He seemed tired and frightened as if he just finished watching a horror movie. I was suddenly baffled.
“What’s wrong?” I asked, looking very bemused.
He stared at me with his big, dark brown eyes as if, any moment now, he would cry. He stood there, looking oh-so-hopeless and pathetic. He seemed speechless of what he is feeling until he spoke.
“Some––Someone died…”
My face turned into a big question mark. My heart started beating louder and faster. The hair fibers on my skin began to stand up. I felt a cold chill travel through my spine. Have I heard right? Did he just say that someone DIED?
I was about to ask him why when a screaming voice pierced into our ears all of a sudden. Almost everyone inside the shower room rushed inside the small room. They wanted to know what that thing is that made a guy shriek like that.
I looked back and saw that the guy I bumped into was no longer there. I didn’t care. Maybe he was just a ruthless guy. So, I decided to just join the others in looking and observing at the thing worth screaming for.
I tried to find my way into the center of the circle. I got bumped, kicked, smacked and beaten as I tried to find an area where I could stand better to see what is happening. I can hear gasps and more shouting as I continue moving inside the circle. Surprisingly, the others let me in.
When I finally got a good view of what is happening, I understood what the gasps and the shouts meant. That guy I bumped into was right.
I saw him lying on the floor, dead. A knife is pierced on his chest. The shower is open, which made his blood flow from one cubicle to another. No one dared to approach the body. All of them were shocked. Everyone was clueless for his or her next move, except me. It was my best friend.
I rushed into his body, crying. I did not know what to do. My head started spinning. Every part of my body is shivering. My lips were dry and my tears make my vision blur. I can’t speak. I am feeling angry, anguished, hurt and panicking all at the same time. I felt like I was going to burst.
I shouted at the people encircling us. I shouted for help –– any help. I rushed to my teacher in PE to ask for help. I rushed to everyone I can see. I was crying. I wanted to save him. He can’t die like this. He shouldn’t die like this.
It was too late. My best friend was already dead when the ambulance reached us. He was declared dead upon arrival at the hospital. And the police claimed it as a suicide. I can’t believe it. The last time I saw him, he was still laughing at our classmate’s jokes. He was even teasing me about the girl I like. He was smiling a lot. He seemed so contented, so happy. How can he deprive himself of something that makes him happy? How can he do such a thing?
Depression? Could be. But he should have told me something. I should have known. I remember though, that he once told me life stinks big time. Those were the times that he was so pressured by everything that is happening on his life. But it’s too light for a reason to commit suicide. He knows that. But, still. It could be.
Love? Maybe. But he doesn’t have a special someone. He doesn’t have anyone to love that can hurt him eventually. He doesn’t have that. How can it be love? Yet, maybe that is the reason. Maybe it is because of lack of love life. Maybe it’s because he feels like he’s not being loved anymore. Maybe.
Family matters? Possible. Though, I really wasn’t able to meet his family. I don’t know. He never told me anything. All I know is, he feels alone when he’s at home. He feels isolated. He told me that. But he also told me that he loves his family so much. And he knows that they would cry if he would be taken out of their world. So it can’t be. Though, it’s possible.
Academics? Perhaps. There’s a lot of pressure. Even I can’t stand it. Then again, he’s good at this. He likes studying. I know. He’s one of the best in the batch. It can’t be academics. I know it has a lot of pressure, but he can withstand this. Yet, perhaps.
Or maybe it wasn’t really suicide. Maybe he didn’t kill himself. He can’t do that. So, maybe he was killed. Maybe someone who doesn’t like him for any reason at all killed him. He has no enemies. Except for one. Yeah. That freshman he bumped into as we were going to the gym. That freshman looked at him in disgust, in a cursing manner, as if my best friend did something wrong to him. But my best friend didn’t do anything wrong. He was even the one who said sorry. That freshman. What does he look like again? Fair complexion, a scar on his face, big eyes and a face that is totally pissed off with his life. Oh yeah. Oh no. Oh gosh. The guy I bumped into. That’s the guy! So that’s why he was so scared! That’s why he’s so speechless! He was even the first one who knew about what happened to my best friend. It’s because he killed my best friend! He killed my best friend!
I won’t be able to forgive him. I would tell on him right now. No. Maybe at the funeral. Yeah. I would find the right time to expose his crime. He’s a criminal! I just hope I won’t see him before then or I don’t know what I can do to him.
The day of the funeral came. It wasn’t like any other. A lot of lights are opened making the room appear very bright. The song being played wasn’t that sad. It was even kind of catchy. The atmosphere that his family tried to build was happy. It’s what my best friend wants. To make everyone happy. So even on his last day on earth, he wanted every one to smile not because he’s already dead but because even just once their life, they met him.
I saw his mother crying. And somehow, I knew what she was feeling. It was a great loss. I know. And most especially, she does.
The door opened. The guy I hated the most at that moment entered the room. Everyone was silent. Most especially me. He walked towards my best friend’s coffin. How dare he. How can he look at the person he mercilessly killed? How heartless can he get!
I stood up, ran towards him and punched him. Everyone was shocked. I ignored it. I have in front of me the person who is the reason why I won’t be able to see my best bud ever. I don’t care now. I want revenge. I want him to pay.
“How could you? How could you show up to the funeral of the person that you pitilessly killed?” I said, looking at him with flaming eyes.
Every one in the room gave an audible sound that signified their shock, while the person I hate the most was standing up, probably so that he can answer my question.
“Because… That was supposed to be me.”
This is it. Goodbye world. Goodbye to everything and everyone that tried to make me happy. I am sorry. I can’t stand it anymore. I am going to do this.
I was about to stab myself and finally end this suffering I am feeling right now when I saw something dark red trickling out of the floor. I looked at my body. Have I stabbed myself already? I knelt down, examined the red thing oozing out from the neighboring cubicle and confirmed that it is blood.
I rushed to the adjacent cubicle and found him on the floor. He was gasping for air. A knife is stabbed at his chest and shower was open, which made the blood flow from his cubicle to mine.
I was stunned. I tried to speak but no word came out my mouth. It tried to run away but my feet were glued to the floor. I felt like I was paralyzed. I can’t do anything but to stare at his gloomy eyes where I can see a flashback of my life. I saw everything that life offered me to be happy.
He was crying. Tears are running down his cheeks. I can see that he was very sorry and regretful for what he has done. He looked at me in the eyes, took out every ounce of energy left in his dying body just to say:
“Don’t… It doesn’t feel so good when you’re dying.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ang purpose nito??? hehe.. kung wala kayong nakitang kahit isang grammatical error, then you SO need to study english... hehe... I think there are 20-30 or more ata... ehehe... :)
Cubicle
I opened the cubicle door. I went inside and closed the door gently, making sure that nobody’s around. I’m covered with sweat. I’m shaking. Yet, I know. I’m ready. Though, a voice inside my head is telling me not to do it. But I know I need to. The voice is wrong. It’s my only choice –– my only hope. I don’t want to do this either but certain circumstances are pushing me to the limits. It would be just a matter of seconds. It would be over soon. I can do this. I don’t want to but I need to. Because after this, everything would be a lot better. Everything would be just fine. Everything would be perfect. Everyone would feel much better. Only one person prevents that from happening. And he needs to be erased completely from this world. I know this is the only way.
I felt a tear run down my cheeks as I took out the knife from my pocket.
Sigh. PE can never be more exhausting. I can feel every muscle on my body crying out of too much energy drained. I can feel my brain melting down of too much work. I feel like collapsing any moment now. Fatigue is really getting in on me as I entered the shower room to, in some miraculous way, relax myself.
It was noisy, as usual. You can hear guys joking and laughing. Some were sharing stories. And others were busy doing something else. Too much joy can be perceived that it seems like no one feels any kind of tiredness at all. It was the usual setting and for months now, I got used to it.
I was about to enter the other side of the room when I bumped into someone looking very scared. I was surprised for it seemed like he hadn’t seen me at all. I think he is a freshman, judging by the green shirt he’s wearing. He has a fair complexion, and has a scar on his face. His bumping to me was really rude so I looked to him with disgust until I saw the expression printed out on his face. His eyes show tears welling up. His lips were dry and he was shaking. He seemed tired and frightened as if he just finished watching a horror movie. I was suddenly baffled.
“What’s wrong?” I asked, looking very bemused.
He stared at me with his big, dark brown eyes as if, any moment now, he would cry. He stood there, looking oh-so-hopeless and pathetic. He seemed speechless of what he is feeling until he spoke.
“Some––Someone died…”
My face turned into a big question mark. My heart started beating louder and faster. The hair fibers on my skin began to stand up. I felt a cold chill travel through my spine. Have I heard right? Did he just say that someone DIED?
I was about to ask him why when a screaming voice pierced into our ears all of a sudden. Almost everyone inside the shower room rushed inside the small room. They wanted to know what that thing is that made a guy shriek like that.
I looked back and saw that the guy I bumped into was no longer there. I didn’t care. Maybe he was just a ruthless guy. So, I decided to just join the others in looking and observing at the thing worth screaming for.
I tried to find my way into the center of the circle. I got bumped, kicked, smacked and beaten as I tried to find an area where I could stand better to see what is happening. I can hear gasps and more shouting as I continue moving inside the circle. Surprisingly, the others let me in.
When I finally got a good view of what is happening, I understood what the gasps and the shouts meant. That guy I bumped into was right.
I saw him lying on the floor, dead. A knife is pierced on his chest. The shower is open, which made his blood flow from one cubicle to another. No one dared to approach the body. All of them were shocked. Everyone was clueless for his or her next move, except me. It was my best friend.
I rushed into his body, crying. I did not know what to do. My head started spinning. Every part of my body is shivering. My lips were dry and my tears make my vision blur. I can’t speak. I am feeling angry, anguished, hurt and panicking all at the same time. I felt like I was going to burst.
I shouted at the people encircling us. I shouted for help –– any help. I rushed to my teacher in PE to ask for help. I rushed to everyone I can see. I was crying. I wanted to save him. He can’t die like this. He shouldn’t die like this.
It was too late. My best friend was already dead when the ambulance reached us. He was declared dead upon arrival at the hospital. And the police claimed it as a suicide. I can’t believe it. The last time I saw him, he was still laughing at our classmate’s jokes. He was even teasing me about the girl I like. He was smiling a lot. He seemed so contented, so happy. How can he deprive himself of something that makes him happy? How can he do such a thing?
Depression? Could be. But he should have told me something. I should have known. I remember though, that he once told me life stinks big time. Those were the times that he was so pressured by everything that is happening on his life. But it’s too light for a reason to commit suicide. He knows that. But, still. It could be.
Love? Maybe. But he doesn’t have a special someone. He doesn’t have anyone to love that can hurt him eventually. He doesn’t have that. How can it be love? Yet, maybe that is the reason. Maybe it is because of lack of love life. Maybe it’s because he feels like he’s not being loved anymore. Maybe.
Family matters? Possible. Though, I really wasn’t able to meet his family. I don’t know. He never told me anything. All I know is, he feels alone when he’s at home. He feels isolated. He told me that. But he also told me that he loves his family so much. And he knows that they would cry if he would be taken out of their world. So it can’t be. Though, it’s possible.
Academics? Perhaps. There’s a lot of pressure. Even I can’t stand it. Then again, he’s good at this. He likes studying. I know. He’s one of the best in the batch. It can’t be academics. I know it has a lot of pressure, but he can withstand this. Yet, perhaps.
Or maybe it wasn’t really suicide. Maybe he didn’t kill himself. He can’t do that. So, maybe he was killed. Maybe someone who doesn’t like him for any reason at all killed him. He has no enemies. Except for one. Yeah. That freshman he bumped into as we were going to the gym. That freshman looked at him in disgust, in a cursing manner, as if my best friend did something wrong to him. But my best friend didn’t do anything wrong. He was even the one who said sorry. That freshman. What does he look like again? Fair complexion, a scar on his face, big eyes and a face that is totally pissed off with his life. Oh yeah. Oh no. Oh gosh. The guy I bumped into. That’s the guy! So that’s why he was so scared! That’s why he’s so speechless! He was even the first one who knew about what happened to my best friend. It’s because he killed my best friend! He killed my best friend!
I won’t be able to forgive him. I would tell on him right now. No. Maybe at the funeral. Yeah. I would find the right time to expose his crime. He’s a criminal! I just hope I won’t see him before then or I don’t know what I can do to him.
The day of the funeral came. It wasn’t like any other. A lot of lights are opened making the room appear very bright. The song being played wasn’t that sad. It was even kind of catchy. The atmosphere that his family tried to build was happy. It’s what my best friend wants. To make everyone happy. So even on his last day on earth, he wanted every one to smile not because he’s already dead but because even just once their life, they met him.
I saw his mother crying. And somehow, I knew what she was feeling. It was a great loss. I know. And most especially, she does.
The door opened. The guy I hated the most at that moment entered the room. Everyone was silent. Most especially me. He walked towards my best friend’s coffin. How dare he. How can he look at the person he mercilessly killed? How heartless can he get!
I stood up, ran towards him and punched him. Everyone was shocked. I ignored it. I have in front of me the person who is the reason why I won’t be able to see my best bud ever. I don’t care now. I want revenge. I want him to pay.
“How could you? How could you show up to the funeral of the person that you pitilessly killed?” I said, looking at him with flaming eyes.
Every one in the room gave an audible sound that signified their shock, while the person I hate the most was standing up, probably so that he can answer my question.
“Because… That was supposed to be me.”
This is it. Goodbye world. Goodbye to everything and everyone that tried to make me happy. I am sorry. I can’t stand it anymore. I am going to do this.
I was about to stab myself and finally end this suffering I am feeling right now when I saw something dark red trickling out of the floor. I looked at my body. Have I stabbed myself already? I knelt down, examined the red thing oozing out from the neighboring cubicle and confirmed that it is blood.
I rushed to the adjacent cubicle and found him on the floor. He was gasping for air. A knife is stabbed at his chest and shower was open, which made the blood flow from his cubicle to mine.
I was stunned. I tried to speak but no word came out my mouth. It tried to run away but my feet were glued to the floor. I felt like I was paralyzed. I can’t do anything but to stare at his gloomy eyes where I can see a flashback of my life. I saw everything that life offered me to be happy.
He was crying. Tears are running down his cheeks. I can see that he was very sorry and regretful for what he has done. He looked at me in the eyes, took out every ounce of energy left in his dying body just to say:
“Don’t… It doesn’t feel so good when you’re dying.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ang purpose nito??? hehe.. kung wala kayong nakitang kahit isang grammatical error, then you SO need to study english... hehe... I think there are 20-30 or more ata... ehehe... :)
9.27.2004
Long time no see
I have been away from blogger for about two weeks now. Marami-rami rin palang nagbabasa ng mga kaululan dito. Hehe..
Anything from my corrupted mind today? None. I'm too tired to think. I have lots to do. Naawa na lang ako sa blog ko kaya ako nagpost ulit. I can't even type anything sensible. My rotten mind is becoming more rotten.
Anything from my corrupted mind today? None. I'm too tired to think. I have lots to do. Naawa na lang ako sa blog ko kaya ako nagpost ulit. I can't even type anything sensible. My rotten mind is becoming more rotten.
9.17.2004
Nilalang mula sa kailalim-laliman ng lupa
Hindi mo naiintindihan,
Dahil ayaw mong intindihin.
Sinisisi kita sa lahat-lahat ng nararamdaman kong kalungkutan ngayon.
Sinisisi kita kung bakit gusto kong maiyak ngayong mga panahong ito.
Sinisisi kita kung bakit hindi ako makaharap sa salamin ng hindi nakakahanap ng mali sa sarili kong pagkatao.
Sinisisi kita kung bakit hindi ako makuntento sa kung ano ako.
Sinisisi kita kung bakit gusto ko nang tumalon sa isang mataas na gusali nayong mga panahong ito.
Sinisisi kita ng buong galit
Punong-puno ng galit.
Kinamumuhian kita.
Kinamumuhian ko ang lahat ng nagawa mo sa akin masama man ito o mabuti.
Kinamumuhian kong nakilala kita.
Kinamumuhian kita dahil sa pagtanggal mo ng aking dangal.
Kinamumuhian kita.
Walang bahid na hesitasyon.
Namumuhi ako sa iyo.
Hindi ko naririnig?
Hindi mo ipinaparinig?
Punyales!
Pinipigilan ko na ang sarili ko na marinig ito!
Ayoko na!
Sawa na ako.
Paulit-ulit mong sinasabi iyan tungkol sa akin at nasanay na ako.
Ngunit sa bawat pagkakataon pa rin ay lumuluha ako.
Lumuluha dahil nabawasan na naman ang aking dangal.
Lumuluha dahil natapiyasan na naman ang aking kumpiyansa sa sarili.
Lumuluha dahil muling dumugo ang aking pagkatao.
Dahil sa iyo.
Hindi mo alam kung ano ang nagagawa ng mga iyon sa akin.
Wala kang alam!
Animo’y pati pakiramdam ay wala ka rin!
Wala ka ng kahit anu!
Isa ka lamang manhid na mang-mang!
Walang pakeelam sa kung ano ang iba at kung paano ang iba.
Wala kang pakeelam.
Dahil isa kang demonyo.
Respeto?
Punyales…
Anong karapatan mong humingi ng respeto?
Ikaw mismo ang nagtatanggal nito sa iba.
Hindi ka karapat-dapat respetuhin.
Tama sila.
Isa kang suwail.
Tampalasan.
Maka-mundo.
Maka-sarili.
Manahid.
Demonyo.
Kaya tama ang ginagawa kong hindi pagtanggap sayo sa mundo ko.
Hindi kita kailangan.
Hindi kita kailanman kinailangan.
Sino ka ba?
Dahil ayaw mong intindihin.
Sinisisi kita sa lahat-lahat ng nararamdaman kong kalungkutan ngayon.
Sinisisi kita kung bakit gusto kong maiyak ngayong mga panahong ito.
Sinisisi kita kung bakit hindi ako makaharap sa salamin ng hindi nakakahanap ng mali sa sarili kong pagkatao.
Sinisisi kita kung bakit hindi ako makuntento sa kung ano ako.
Sinisisi kita kung bakit gusto ko nang tumalon sa isang mataas na gusali nayong mga panahong ito.
Sinisisi kita ng buong galit
Punong-puno ng galit.
Kinamumuhian kita.
Kinamumuhian ko ang lahat ng nagawa mo sa akin masama man ito o mabuti.
Kinamumuhian kong nakilala kita.
Kinamumuhian kita dahil sa pagtanggal mo ng aking dangal.
Kinamumuhian kita.
Walang bahid na hesitasyon.
Namumuhi ako sa iyo.
Hindi ko naririnig?
Hindi mo ipinaparinig?
Punyales!
Pinipigilan ko na ang sarili ko na marinig ito!
Ayoko na!
Sawa na ako.
Paulit-ulit mong sinasabi iyan tungkol sa akin at nasanay na ako.
Ngunit sa bawat pagkakataon pa rin ay lumuluha ako.
Lumuluha dahil nabawasan na naman ang aking dangal.
Lumuluha dahil natapiyasan na naman ang aking kumpiyansa sa sarili.
Lumuluha dahil muling dumugo ang aking pagkatao.
Dahil sa iyo.
Hindi mo alam kung ano ang nagagawa ng mga iyon sa akin.
Wala kang alam!
Animo’y pati pakiramdam ay wala ka rin!
Wala ka ng kahit anu!
Isa ka lamang manhid na mang-mang!
Walang pakeelam sa kung ano ang iba at kung paano ang iba.
Wala kang pakeelam.
Dahil isa kang demonyo.
Respeto?
Punyales…
Anong karapatan mong humingi ng respeto?
Ikaw mismo ang nagtatanggal nito sa iba.
Hindi ka karapat-dapat respetuhin.
Tama sila.
Isa kang suwail.
Tampalasan.
Maka-mundo.
Maka-sarili.
Manahid.
Demonyo.
Kaya tama ang ginagawa kong hindi pagtanggap sayo sa mundo ko.
Hindi kita kailangan.
Hindi kita kailanman kinailangan.
Sino ka ba?
9.13.2004
Ouch...
Pakiramdam ako isa akong pagong.
Isang pagong na nagpursiging umakyat sa isang pader at, sa hindi sinasadyang pagkakamali ay bumitaw.
At dahil sa taas na ng naakyat ko sa mahabang oras na ginugol ko,
malayo rin ang kinabagsakan ko.
Masakit.
Tama sila.
"The higher you go up, the farther you will fall."
at
"The farther you fall, the harder it is to accept."
Kaya ouch.
Kasi kalalaglag ko lang mula sa isang napakataas na lugar.
Ang hirap pala.
Pero alam ko na karapat-dapat naman para sa akin.
Kasalanan ko naman talaga.
Ang masakit dun, halos wala na yata akong mukhang maihaharap sa mga kaklase ko bukas.
Para sakin kasi madali lang lunukin.
Lalu na dahil alam ko na deserving akong malaglag.
Pero ang hindi ko matanggap,
yung pagka-disappoint nila.
kahit paano rin pala, umasa na sila na mananatili ako sa tuktok.
ang sakit kasi nung pakiramdam na kapag tinanong nila ako:
"ryan, dl ka?"
hindi ako makasagot.
Hindi ko naman pedeng isagot na 'oo' dahil pagsisinungaling yun.
At hindi ko naman masabing 'hindi' dahil alam kong madidisappoint sila.
Kung pede lang na masabi kong 'maybe' gagawin ko.
ang kaso hindi.
kaya i'm stuck answering 'no' to the stupid question and recieving a:
"Ganoon?! (with matching sobrang disappointed na hitsura)"
for a comment.
Nakakahiya.
Nakakahiya ako.
Yun.
At hindi ko alam kung paano itatago.
Gusto kong maiyak.
Pero may boses na bumubulong sa akin na sinasabing:
"Bakit ka iiyak? Ang kapal mo naman! Kasalanan mo naman di ba?! Alam mo naman na di ka nag-aral, kaya wala kang karapatang iyakan ang nangyari sayo dahil deserve mo yan! Buti nga!"
Nakakaasar siya.
Kung hindi lang yan nakatira sa loob ng utak ko,
nabaril ko na yan.
Anyway, baka eto na ang huli kong blog sa susunod na tatlong buwan.
Ako na mismo ang magbaban sa sarili ko sa computer.
Para wala nang disturbances.
Magfofocus muna ako.
Para sa susunod, hindi na ouch ang nakalagay na title.
Sa susunod, hopefully, 'YEHEY!!' na yan.
Isang pagong na nagpursiging umakyat sa isang pader at, sa hindi sinasadyang pagkakamali ay bumitaw.
At dahil sa taas na ng naakyat ko sa mahabang oras na ginugol ko,
malayo rin ang kinabagsakan ko.
Masakit.
Tama sila.
"The higher you go up, the farther you will fall."
at
"The farther you fall, the harder it is to accept."
Kaya ouch.
Kasi kalalaglag ko lang mula sa isang napakataas na lugar.
Ang hirap pala.
Pero alam ko na karapat-dapat naman para sa akin.
Kasalanan ko naman talaga.
Ang masakit dun, halos wala na yata akong mukhang maihaharap sa mga kaklase ko bukas.
Para sakin kasi madali lang lunukin.
Lalu na dahil alam ko na deserving akong malaglag.
Pero ang hindi ko matanggap,
yung pagka-disappoint nila.
kahit paano rin pala, umasa na sila na mananatili ako sa tuktok.
ang sakit kasi nung pakiramdam na kapag tinanong nila ako:
"ryan, dl ka?"
hindi ako makasagot.
Hindi ko naman pedeng isagot na 'oo' dahil pagsisinungaling yun.
At hindi ko naman masabing 'hindi' dahil alam kong madidisappoint sila.
Kung pede lang na masabi kong 'maybe' gagawin ko.
ang kaso hindi.
kaya i'm stuck answering 'no' to the stupid question and recieving a:
"Ganoon?! (with matching sobrang disappointed na hitsura)"
for a comment.
Nakakahiya.
Nakakahiya ako.
Yun.
At hindi ko alam kung paano itatago.
Gusto kong maiyak.
Pero may boses na bumubulong sa akin na sinasabing:
"Bakit ka iiyak? Ang kapal mo naman! Kasalanan mo naman di ba?! Alam mo naman na di ka nag-aral, kaya wala kang karapatang iyakan ang nangyari sayo dahil deserve mo yan! Buti nga!"
Nakakaasar siya.
Kung hindi lang yan nakatira sa loob ng utak ko,
nabaril ko na yan.
Anyway, baka eto na ang huli kong blog sa susunod na tatlong buwan.
Ako na mismo ang magbaban sa sarili ko sa computer.
Para wala nang disturbances.
Magfofocus muna ako.
Para sa susunod, hindi na ouch ang nakalagay na title.
Sa susunod, hopefully, 'YEHEY!!' na yan.
9.10.2004
frowning is a crime.
Lagi akong nakangiti.
Tipong kapag dinescribe mo sa isang tao na may nakita kang lalaking dumaan na nakangiti, sasabihin nila ako yun. Distinct characteristic ko na ata yun. Besides, hindi ko rin naman mapigilin. Parang ginlue na sa mukha ko ang isang smiley face. Hindi ko nga kayang malungkot ng sobra kapag depressed na ako eh. Somehow, my mind finds a reason for me to smile.
Hindi naman masama. Ayos lang sa akin ang laging nakangiti. Nakakahawa din kasi sa ibang tao yung ganun. Pag ngumingiti ka, napapangiti mo rin sila. And since gusto ko rin na masaya ang mga tao sa paligid ko, ngumingiti ako. Para mahawa sila.
Pero nakakaasar naman ata kung ikaw ngumingiti kahit gaano kabigat yung problema mo tapos yung iba pinupuri na nga sumisimangot pa. What's wrong with being praised? Parang nakakaasar naman ata kasi kung pinupuri ka na nga, galit ka pa. It's like your not appreciating what you have. Parang nakakagago ka naman ata nun.
Kaya pag nakakakita ako ng nakasimangot, gusto ko silang sigawan. Wala na silang karapatang sumimangot. Ako nga tumatawa kahit sobrang lungkot eh. Tapos sila na napapasakanya na ang lahat-lahat, sisimangot pa. I don't know if he wants more or something is just wrong. Kasi kung ako siya, I can die now for I have it all.
Frowning is a crime. Gusto mo ng reason para tumawa? Harap sa salamin. Igalaw mo ang kahit anong parte ng katawan mo at yun na.
Buhay ka.
Humihinga.
Tumatawa.
Pwedeng gawin ang kahit ano.
At may kakayahang maging masaya.
Tipong kapag dinescribe mo sa isang tao na may nakita kang lalaking dumaan na nakangiti, sasabihin nila ako yun. Distinct characteristic ko na ata yun. Besides, hindi ko rin naman mapigilin. Parang ginlue na sa mukha ko ang isang smiley face. Hindi ko nga kayang malungkot ng sobra kapag depressed na ako eh. Somehow, my mind finds a reason for me to smile.
Hindi naman masama. Ayos lang sa akin ang laging nakangiti. Nakakahawa din kasi sa ibang tao yung ganun. Pag ngumingiti ka, napapangiti mo rin sila. And since gusto ko rin na masaya ang mga tao sa paligid ko, ngumingiti ako. Para mahawa sila.
Pero nakakaasar naman ata kung ikaw ngumingiti kahit gaano kabigat yung problema mo tapos yung iba pinupuri na nga sumisimangot pa. What's wrong with being praised? Parang nakakaasar naman ata kasi kung pinupuri ka na nga, galit ka pa. It's like your not appreciating what you have. Parang nakakagago ka naman ata nun.
Kaya pag nakakakita ako ng nakasimangot, gusto ko silang sigawan. Wala na silang karapatang sumimangot. Ako nga tumatawa kahit sobrang lungkot eh. Tapos sila na napapasakanya na ang lahat-lahat, sisimangot pa. I don't know if he wants more or something is just wrong. Kasi kung ako siya, I can die now for I have it all.
Frowning is a crime. Gusto mo ng reason para tumawa? Harap sa salamin. Igalaw mo ang kahit anong parte ng katawan mo at yun na.
Buhay ka.
Humihinga.
Tumatawa.
Pwedeng gawin ang kahit ano.
At may kakayahang maging masaya.
bakit lahat gusto ng butterfly?
hehe...
butterflies.
The term used by my ever-faithful friend to describe his loved one.
Actually, astig siya.
Medyo bagay.
Kung tutuusin, butterflies represent beauty.
Parang yung minamahal mo (kung mahal mo nga talaga), para sayo siya na ang pinakamaganda sa lahat.
Naastigan nga ako nung ginamit niya 'to eh.
Ang kaso, heart-broken siya.
Bakit parang lahat ng tao may heart matters ngayong mga panahong 'to?
Nakakatawa.
Kasi believe it or not, I've been through it.
At hindi siya parang yung sinasabi sa movies na sobrang saya mo kapag may minamahal ka at may nagmamahal sayo.
Kasi ganun din ako.
I was madly in-love. (since grade 2 pa nga ata yun eh... hehe... *wink*)
Pero siyempre hindi naman ako gago.
Kaya nung grade 6 ko lang niligawan.
Crush din ata ako (hehe... ang kapal... *wink*) kaya napasagot ko.
Naging kami.
8 straight months.
At hanggang ngayon guilty pa rin ako.
Dahil sinayang ko.
Having a relationship means more responsibilities.
Oo masaya ka.
Masaya ka dahil mahal mo yung kasama mo.
Masaya ka dahil nandyan siya sa tabi mo.
Pero alam mo ba kung gaano kahirap ang magmahal?
Alam mo ba na dapat ay handa ka sa kung ano man ang pwedeng mangyari?
Kasi, kung nagmamahal ka lang ng hindi nag-iisip,
baka isang araw, maka-recieve ka din ng text na ganito:
"ryan... gusto mo bang makipagbreak?"
O cge nga.
Paano mo rereplyan ang message na yan?
Tama.
Mahirap.
Alam ko.
Dahil isang oras ang kinailangan para makapagreply ako dyan.
Kaya bago mo problemahin ang pagmamahal, isipin mo muna:
"Handa ka ba?"
Tama si pito.
Hindi pa natin kelangan ng "love" ngayon.
Kasi kahit hanggang ngayon, nagtatanong pa tayo tungkol sa tunay na kulay ng mundong kinabibilangan natin.
At ang isang bagay na tulad ng pag-ibig ay masyado pang komplikado para sa atin.
Yung mga matatanda nga nagiging tanga sa pag-ibig,
tayo pa kaya?
Eh nagsisimula pa lang tayong mamulat sa tunay na mundo.
butterflies.
The term used by my ever-faithful friend to describe his loved one.
Actually, astig siya.
Medyo bagay.
Kung tutuusin, butterflies represent beauty.
Parang yung minamahal mo (kung mahal mo nga talaga), para sayo siya na ang pinakamaganda sa lahat.
Naastigan nga ako nung ginamit niya 'to eh.
Ang kaso, heart-broken siya.
Bakit parang lahat ng tao may heart matters ngayong mga panahong 'to?
Nakakatawa.
Kasi believe it or not, I've been through it.
At hindi siya parang yung sinasabi sa movies na sobrang saya mo kapag may minamahal ka at may nagmamahal sayo.
Kasi ganun din ako.
I was madly in-love. (since grade 2 pa nga ata yun eh... hehe... *wink*)
Pero siyempre hindi naman ako gago.
Kaya nung grade 6 ko lang niligawan.
Crush din ata ako (hehe... ang kapal... *wink*) kaya napasagot ko.
Naging kami.
8 straight months.
At hanggang ngayon guilty pa rin ako.
Dahil sinayang ko.
Having a relationship means more responsibilities.
Oo masaya ka.
Masaya ka dahil mahal mo yung kasama mo.
Masaya ka dahil nandyan siya sa tabi mo.
Pero alam mo ba kung gaano kahirap ang magmahal?
Alam mo ba na dapat ay handa ka sa kung ano man ang pwedeng mangyari?
Kasi, kung nagmamahal ka lang ng hindi nag-iisip,
baka isang araw, maka-recieve ka din ng text na ganito:
"ryan... gusto mo bang makipagbreak?"
O cge nga.
Paano mo rereplyan ang message na yan?
Tama.
Mahirap.
Alam ko.
Dahil isang oras ang kinailangan para makapagreply ako dyan.
Kaya bago mo problemahin ang pagmamahal, isipin mo muna:
"Handa ka ba?"
Tama si pito.
Hindi pa natin kelangan ng "love" ngayon.
Kasi kahit hanggang ngayon, nagtatanong pa tayo tungkol sa tunay na kulay ng mundong kinabibilangan natin.
At ang isang bagay na tulad ng pag-ibig ay masyado pang komplikado para sa atin.
Yung mga matatanda nga nagiging tanga sa pag-ibig,
tayo pa kaya?
Eh nagsisimula pa lang tayong mamulat sa tunay na mundo.
Identity Crisis
Nakakatamad magsulat ng blogs.
Para kasing ang dami kong gustong isulat pero hindi ko magawa.
Ang hirap na kasi para sa akin ngayon ang ihayag ang nararamdaman sa pamamagitan ng prose writing.
Asar.
Parang bigla na lang naging sobrang complex ng buhay ko na kahit ako hindi na makahabol.
Katulad ngayon.
I'm typing (this is a guess) 100 words per minute tapos bigla ko na lang ihihighlight at sabay delete.
Nakakainis dahil parang bawat isulat ko walang sense.
Nakakainis dahil sinusubukan ko nang intindihan ang kung paano mabuhay pero lalu lang akong naguguluhan.
Kung dati isip ako nang isip tungkol sa kung sino ba ako,
ngayon ayaw magisip ng utak ko.
Gusto ko na rin naman kasing malaman.
Sabi nga nila: "Character is Destiny"
Paano kung wala kang character?
E di wala kang destiny?
O di ba ang labo?!
Kaya nga kahit gusto ko nang magcollapse,
sinusubukan ko pa rin.
Pero ang hirap talaga.
Kung di mo kasi kilala ang sarili mo,
malabu-labo na ring magawa mo pa talagang makilala ito.
Kasi kahit ang definition ko ng identity ang labo eh.
Kung dun pa lang malabo na,
paano ko pa hahanapin yun?
Eh di mo nga alam kung ano yung hinahanap mo,
tapos hahanapin mo pa siya para makamit ang isang bagay na hindi mo nga alam kung anu?
Kung di mo ko naiintindihan,
wala kang identity crisis.
Buti ka pa.
Kung ako sayo ngingiti na ako.
I-appreciate mo yan.
Pinadali ng Diyos ang buhay mo.
Para kasing ang dami kong gustong isulat pero hindi ko magawa.
Ang hirap na kasi para sa akin ngayon ang ihayag ang nararamdaman sa pamamagitan ng prose writing.
Asar.
Parang bigla na lang naging sobrang complex ng buhay ko na kahit ako hindi na makahabol.
Katulad ngayon.
I'm typing (this is a guess) 100 words per minute tapos bigla ko na lang ihihighlight at sabay delete.
Nakakainis dahil parang bawat isulat ko walang sense.
Nakakainis dahil sinusubukan ko nang intindihan ang kung paano mabuhay pero lalu lang akong naguguluhan.
Kung dati isip ako nang isip tungkol sa kung sino ba ako,
ngayon ayaw magisip ng utak ko.
Gusto ko na rin naman kasing malaman.
Sabi nga nila: "Character is Destiny"
Paano kung wala kang character?
E di wala kang destiny?
O di ba ang labo?!
Kaya nga kahit gusto ko nang magcollapse,
sinusubukan ko pa rin.
Pero ang hirap talaga.
Kung di mo kasi kilala ang sarili mo,
malabu-labo na ring magawa mo pa talagang makilala ito.
Kasi kahit ang definition ko ng identity ang labo eh.
Kung dun pa lang malabo na,
paano ko pa hahanapin yun?
Eh di mo nga alam kung ano yung hinahanap mo,
tapos hahanapin mo pa siya para makamit ang isang bagay na hindi mo nga alam kung anu?
Kung di mo ko naiintindihan,
wala kang identity crisis.
Buti ka pa.
Kung ako sayo ngingiti na ako.
I-appreciate mo yan.
Pinadali ng Diyos ang buhay mo.
9.04.2004
8.30.2004
Emerald 07 v.s. Champaca 07
Siguro I should stop saying that I miss Emerald.
No doubt. BONDED ang emerald. Parang compounds yan na chemically bonded ang atoms kay hindi pwedeng paghiwahiwalayin. Nakakatawa pero kung gaano ko kinasuklaman ang emerald nung first day ng classes (dahil hindi ko pa sila kilala.. hehe...) ganun ko sila gustong makasama ulit. Sa emerald kasi, may pagkakaibigan talaga.
Champaca. Ang baho noh? Hindi mo aakalaing isa pala yang bulaklak. Guto ko ngang section rosal eh. Pero hindi naman ako ang nag-aasign kaya no choice. Besides, cream of the crop DAW ng 07 ang champaca. I believe them. Mapapanganga ka naman talaga sa mga talento at kakayahan ng mga kaklase ko. Hindi mo nga maiimagine na kaya pala ng isang tao yun. Kaya manliliit ka talaga sa kanila. Yun.
Dapat talaga tigilan ko na ang pagsabing namimiss ko ang emerald. At tigilan ko na ang pagsasabi sa isip ko na "I could have done better with them" Bakit? Kasi hindi ko nakikita ang kagandahan ng pagiging champaquito eh. Ang pangit naman kung sasayangin ko ang second year ng hindi ko man lang nakilala ang mga kaklase ko di ba?
Pero kasi nakakaintimidate ang champaca. Parang nakakahiyang magsalita dahil baka ma-wrong grammar ko o kaya naman ma-semantic error ka. Nakakahiyang gumalaw dahil baka mali at makaistorbo ka lang. Nakakahiyang magbigay ng opinion kasi baka masyadong NAKAKAPAGOD AT MAHIRAP ang opinyon mo. Nakakahiyang magpakitang gilas dahil baka masapawan ka lang.
Who wins?
ewan. I'm yet to find out.
No doubt. BONDED ang emerald. Parang compounds yan na chemically bonded ang atoms kay hindi pwedeng paghiwahiwalayin. Nakakatawa pero kung gaano ko kinasuklaman ang emerald nung first day ng classes (dahil hindi ko pa sila kilala.. hehe...) ganun ko sila gustong makasama ulit. Sa emerald kasi, may pagkakaibigan talaga.
Champaca. Ang baho noh? Hindi mo aakalaing isa pala yang bulaklak. Guto ko ngang section rosal eh. Pero hindi naman ako ang nag-aasign kaya no choice. Besides, cream of the crop DAW ng 07 ang champaca. I believe them. Mapapanganga ka naman talaga sa mga talento at kakayahan ng mga kaklase ko. Hindi mo nga maiimagine na kaya pala ng isang tao yun. Kaya manliliit ka talaga sa kanila. Yun.
Dapat talaga tigilan ko na ang pagsabing namimiss ko ang emerald. At tigilan ko na ang pagsasabi sa isip ko na "I could have done better with them" Bakit? Kasi hindi ko nakikita ang kagandahan ng pagiging champaquito eh. Ang pangit naman kung sasayangin ko ang second year ng hindi ko man lang nakilala ang mga kaklase ko di ba?
Pero kasi nakakaintimidate ang champaca. Parang nakakahiyang magsalita dahil baka ma-wrong grammar ko o kaya naman ma-semantic error ka. Nakakahiyang gumalaw dahil baka mali at makaistorbo ka lang. Nakakahiyang magbigay ng opinion kasi baka masyadong NAKAKAPAGOD AT MAHIRAP ang opinyon mo. Nakakahiyang magpakitang gilas dahil baka masapawan ka lang.
Who wins?
ewan. I'm yet to find out.
Sermon: The sequel
Actually, wala pa sila. May gusto lang akong sabihin.
Ano? Well, nasaktan lang ako kanina. Na-realize ko, kahit na ako yung nakagawa ng masama, sila pa rin yung gagawa ng mabuti para sa akin. paano? Well, pagkatapos nila akong pagalitan, umalis sila para bumili ng librong kelangan ko sa english. Bakit? Ewan. Siguro dahil anak nila ko.
Parang gusto kong maiyak. Di ko man lang kasi naisip na anak nila ang kuya ko at kung papaano nila ako pinapahalagahan, ganun din ung sa kuya ko. Ang panget kasi. Parang nagalit pa ako sa kanil nung sinesermonan nila ako. Sino bang hindi? Kahit naman ata sino ayaw ng masermonan.
Pero siguro, ang pagsesermon ng mga magulang natin ay para lang maitago ang lubos nilang pag-aaalala. At para narin siguro maipakita nila na dapat respetuhin natin sila, tanggapin ang pagkakamali. Tama ang nagsabing "Hindi ka mahal ng mga magulang mo kung di ka pinapagalitan"
Ang weirdo talaga ng mga magulang. Pero para na rin siguro sa 'tin 'to.
Ano? Well, nasaktan lang ako kanina. Na-realize ko, kahit na ako yung nakagawa ng masama, sila pa rin yung gagawa ng mabuti para sa akin. paano? Well, pagkatapos nila akong pagalitan, umalis sila para bumili ng librong kelangan ko sa english. Bakit? Ewan. Siguro dahil anak nila ko.
Parang gusto kong maiyak. Di ko man lang kasi naisip na anak nila ang kuya ko at kung papaano nila ako pinapahalagahan, ganun din ung sa kuya ko. Ang panget kasi. Parang nagalit pa ako sa kanil nung sinesermonan nila ako. Sino bang hindi? Kahit naman ata sino ayaw ng masermonan.
Pero siguro, ang pagsesermon ng mga magulang natin ay para lang maitago ang lubos nilang pag-aaalala. At para narin siguro maipakita nila na dapat respetuhin natin sila, tanggapin ang pagkakamali. Tama ang nagsabing "Hindi ka mahal ng mga magulang mo kung di ka pinapagalitan"
Ang weirdo talaga ng mga magulang. Pero para na rin siguro sa 'tin 'to.
Ibilad daw ba kami sa araw? Anu kami mangga??
Nakabilad. Mainit. duh?
Bakit ganun? Kahit papaano mo subukan, parang hindi sapat. Ewan. gulong-gulo na ko. Pakiramdam ko patuloy akong nakabilad sa araw at nagpapakamatay sa init ng araw. Gusto kong umalis pero parang ang hirap. Wala kang choice kundi ang ipagpatuloy. Ipagpatuloy hanggang sa matapos. Kalbaryo? Ewan. Siguro. Pero nakasisiguro akong hindi siya langit.
Walang sense? Dapat lang. Dahil sa mga nakaraang araw, blanko ang utak ko. bakit blanko? ewan. cguro sa dami ng gusto niyang isipin napagod kaya tumigil. hehe.
Bakit ganun? Kahit papaano mo subukan, parang hindi sapat. Ewan. gulong-gulo na ko. Pakiramdam ko patuloy akong nakabilad sa araw at nagpapakamatay sa init ng araw. Gusto kong umalis pero parang ang hirap. Wala kang choice kundi ang ipagpatuloy. Ipagpatuloy hanggang sa matapos. Kalbaryo? Ewan. Siguro. Pero nakasisiguro akong hindi siya langit.
Walang sense? Dapat lang. Dahil sa mga nakaraang araw, blanko ang utak ko. bakit blanko? ewan. cguro sa dami ng gusto niyang isipin napagod kaya tumigil. hehe.
Sermon
asar. nakalimutan kong nagtext sa akin ang nanay ko about kung kelan susunduin ang kapatid ko. hindi siya nasundo, thanks to me. at wala siyang pamasahe. shit. ang sama ko. ang mas masama pa dun, isang mahabang SERMON as in SERMON ang binigay sa akin ng nanay at tatay ko. as in silang dalawa magkaiba ng time. parang ung dad ko part 1 tapos nanay ko part 2. ang saya. pareho lang naman sinabi nila.
"ANU BA YAN!!! TINEXT KA TAPOS KINALIMUTAN MO LANG!!! PANU KUNG MERONG NANGYARING MASAMA SA KUYA MO?? E DI PERWISYO!!! SA SUSUNOD KASI MAGBASA NG TEXT!!!! WALANG KWENTANG CELLPHONE!! NAG-CELLPHONE KA PA!!!!"
haaayyyy...
At least improvement sa part ko. Bakit? Dahil hindi na ako nagreason out kung bakit ko nakalimutan. kasi tiyak kung sinubukan kong mag-explain, may babalik sa aking ganito:
"SUMASAGOT KA NA NAMAN!!!! IKAW TALAGA!!! SUWAIL!!! TAMPALASAN!!!!"
haaayyyy...
stupid ryan...
"ANU BA YAN!!! TINEXT KA TAPOS KINALIMUTAN MO LANG!!! PANU KUNG MERONG NANGYARING MASAMA SA KUYA MO?? E DI PERWISYO!!! SA SUSUNOD KASI MAGBASA NG TEXT!!!! WALANG KWENTANG CELLPHONE!! NAG-CELLPHONE KA PA!!!!"
haaayyyy...
At least improvement sa part ko. Bakit? Dahil hindi na ako nagreason out kung bakit ko nakalimutan. kasi tiyak kung sinubukan kong mag-explain, may babalik sa aking ganito:
"SUMASAGOT KA NA NAMAN!!!! IKAW TALAGA!!! SUWAIL!!! TAMPALASAN!!!!"
haaayyyy...
stupid ryan...
8.27.2004
The English Language
I remember that time when I emailed something at the yahoogroup, pisay07, about why they are using the group as some sort of a battledome with profane language as their weapon. Well, someone commented on what I said. And, well, he commented on my grammar. I was kind of shocked. I became angry at him but I didn't do anything violent. I admit I am not that good on using this language. I never was.
I was making a speech in front of my classmates that day. I was in the middle of attacking the point I'm trying to contradict when all of them suddenly laughed. I was dumbfounded. I don't know what's happening at all. I continued, though. I tried to be proffesional. After the speech, I was able to find out why. I committed an error in grammar.
Maybe God made me a filipino so that I would have an excuse whenever I would make an error. I could just simply say "I love my own language better and making other languages a priority would be a betrayal to your own country."
So what if I cannot use the universal language properly? So what if I suck in speaking english? So what if I don't know when to use have or had in a sentence? So what? It's not a big deal if the people from other countries would not be able to read what I write in my blog because it's in Taglish. I don't care. I don't give a damn.
English does not measure how intelligent a person is. It does not measure how far one can go. So we better start changing our way of thinking that one who is fluent in the said language is very intelligent. Anyone who is flawless in speaking english can be beaten by someone who cannot speak it properly. English is a language. Nothing more.
Filipinos treat english as if it is their own. You would be surprised that people who speak english, a language from other countries, are favored more than those who speak spotless Tagalog. It's pathetic how we treat something our own as if its nothing but a slave's language.
Perhaps, that guy who criticized what I wrote on the yahoogroup was right.
I suck in english.
And I'm glad I do.
I was making a speech in front of my classmates that day. I was in the middle of attacking the point I'm trying to contradict when all of them suddenly laughed. I was dumbfounded. I don't know what's happening at all. I continued, though. I tried to be proffesional. After the speech, I was able to find out why. I committed an error in grammar.
Maybe God made me a filipino so that I would have an excuse whenever I would make an error. I could just simply say "I love my own language better and making other languages a priority would be a betrayal to your own country."
So what if I cannot use the universal language properly? So what if I suck in speaking english? So what if I don't know when to use have or had in a sentence? So what? It's not a big deal if the people from other countries would not be able to read what I write in my blog because it's in Taglish. I don't care. I don't give a damn.
English does not measure how intelligent a person is. It does not measure how far one can go. So we better start changing our way of thinking that one who is fluent in the said language is very intelligent. Anyone who is flawless in speaking english can be beaten by someone who cannot speak it properly. English is a language. Nothing more.
Filipinos treat english as if it is their own. You would be surprised that people who speak english, a language from other countries, are favored more than those who speak spotless Tagalog. It's pathetic how we treat something our own as if its nothing but a slave's language.
Perhaps, that guy who criticized what I wrote on the yahoogroup was right.
I suck in english.
And I'm glad I do.
Bangag
Ayos. Alam niyo bang napakabilis sumikat ng salitang yan? Parang kelan lang nung sinumulan kong gamitin iyan at hanggang ngayon ay ginagamit ko pa rin. Ano nga ba ang ipinapahiwatig ng salitang yan? Ang alam ko ang ibig sabihin niyan sabog o wala sa tamang pagiisip.
Ako kasi ginagamit ko yan kahit ano na lang. Pag na-weiweirdohan sa akin ang mga tao, sinasabi ko na bangag ako. At kahit yung iba ganun din ang paggamit nila sa salitang bangag. Ewan. Nabura na tila ang tunay nitong ibig sabihin.
So? Ano ngayon?
Wala lang. Para sa akin, dalawa ang ibig sabihin niyan.
Una, nabuksan na talaga tayo ng tuluyan sa mundo ng mga taong gumagamit ng droga. Wala na tayong pakeelam kung masama pa ba ang sinasabi niyan.
Pangalawa, ang mga salita ay hindi talaga nagdadala ng isang bagay na certain. Instrumento lang talaga ang mga ito. Instrumento para kahit papaano ay maiparating natin ang kung anu ang laman ng ating isipan at malaman natin na naiparating natin iyon. Words are dead. Pwede ko naman kasing sabihin sa iyo na maganda ang nakita kong babae kanina pero hindi mo pa rin maiisip ang tunay na itsura niya sa pamamagitan nito. Magkaiba ang maiisip natin pag sinabing maganda kasi magkaiba naman tayo ng perception sa kung anu nga talaga ang maganda. Parang ang bangag. Kapag sinabi mo yan sa isang nakakatanda (yung hindi talaga alam na isang "expression" lang naman ang bangag), magugulat siya kahit para sayo wala lang.
tama na nga... nababangag na ko.
Ako kasi ginagamit ko yan kahit ano na lang. Pag na-weiweirdohan sa akin ang mga tao, sinasabi ko na bangag ako. At kahit yung iba ganun din ang paggamit nila sa salitang bangag. Ewan. Nabura na tila ang tunay nitong ibig sabihin.
So? Ano ngayon?
Wala lang. Para sa akin, dalawa ang ibig sabihin niyan.
Una, nabuksan na talaga tayo ng tuluyan sa mundo ng mga taong gumagamit ng droga. Wala na tayong pakeelam kung masama pa ba ang sinasabi niyan.
Pangalawa, ang mga salita ay hindi talaga nagdadala ng isang bagay na certain. Instrumento lang talaga ang mga ito. Instrumento para kahit papaano ay maiparating natin ang kung anu ang laman ng ating isipan at malaman natin na naiparating natin iyon. Words are dead. Pwede ko naman kasing sabihin sa iyo na maganda ang nakita kong babae kanina pero hindi mo pa rin maiisip ang tunay na itsura niya sa pamamagitan nito. Magkaiba ang maiisip natin pag sinabing maganda kasi magkaiba naman tayo ng perception sa kung anu nga talaga ang maganda. Parang ang bangag. Kapag sinabi mo yan sa isang nakakatanda (yung hindi talaga alam na isang "expression" lang naman ang bangag), magugulat siya kahit para sayo wala lang.
tama na nga... nababangag na ko.
Pisay Life
naks! ganda naman ng una kong post... talagang tungkol sa mataas na paaralan ng pilipinas sa agham... Pano kasi, sabi ni joji (ok lang, right?):
kaya wag na wag niyong sasabihin sa sarili niyo na, "@%&*!$#%^@&$^*! nag-pisay pa kasi ako eh!" kasi ang pagiging estudyante ng mataas na paaralan ng pilipinas sa agham ay isang opportunity na isang beses lang kakatok sa pinto niyo.. tandaan niyo yun, okei? swerte nyo you're one of us.. parang natatakot na nga ako grumaduate sa pisay eh.. kahit alam kong matagal pa.. you never know, time passes so fast.. ayokong iwan ang pisay.. i've grown attached to it.. inlove na ko sa pisay.. wahaha..
Kung tutuusin naman kasi, oppurtunity nga ang pisay... Nagreview pa nga ako ng todo para lang pumasa dito eh... At nang nalaman ko na lumabas na yung listahan ng mga nakapasa, kinabahan ako ng todo... Gusto kong makapasa eh... Gusto kong mapabilang sa pisay... Ewan ko na nga lang ngayon kung bakit tila parang pinagsisisihan ko siya...
Nagtataka nga ako nung first year kung bakit may may ayaw sa pisay (Hindi ko na imemention kung sino.. ehehe). Para kasi sa akin noon, place of the bright ones ang pisay. Who wouldn't want to be called one of the bright ones?
Actually, pag sinasabi ng iba na ayaw na nila sa pisay, nakiki-ayaw na din ako... Bakit? Ewan. Siguro dahil Pisay ang nagbigay ng twist sa buong buhay ko. Siguro dahil hinamon ako ng pisay na imulat ang sarili ko sa kung ano ang totoo at hindi sa kung ano ang gusto kong maging totoo. Siguro dahil ayaw ko at gusto ko ang pisay all at the same time. Ang hirap iexplain pero parang gusto kong kumawala sa mga kadenang iginapos sa akin ng pisay pero gusto ko pa ring manatiling nakakabit dito. Ganun. Ang labo.
kaya wag na wag niyong sasabihin sa sarili niyo na, "@%&*!$#%^@&$^*! nag-pisay pa kasi ako eh!" kasi ang pagiging estudyante ng mataas na paaralan ng pilipinas sa agham ay isang opportunity na isang beses lang kakatok sa pinto niyo.. tandaan niyo yun, okei? swerte nyo you're one of us.. parang natatakot na nga ako grumaduate sa pisay eh.. kahit alam kong matagal pa.. you never know, time passes so fast.. ayokong iwan ang pisay.. i've grown attached to it.. inlove na ko sa pisay.. wahaha..
Kung tutuusin naman kasi, oppurtunity nga ang pisay... Nagreview pa nga ako ng todo para lang pumasa dito eh... At nang nalaman ko na lumabas na yung listahan ng mga nakapasa, kinabahan ako ng todo... Gusto kong makapasa eh... Gusto kong mapabilang sa pisay... Ewan ko na nga lang ngayon kung bakit tila parang pinagsisisihan ko siya...
Nagtataka nga ako nung first year kung bakit may may ayaw sa pisay (Hindi ko na imemention kung sino.. ehehe). Para kasi sa akin noon, place of the bright ones ang pisay. Who wouldn't want to be called one of the bright ones?
Actually, pag sinasabi ng iba na ayaw na nila sa pisay, nakiki-ayaw na din ako... Bakit? Ewan. Siguro dahil Pisay ang nagbigay ng twist sa buong buhay ko. Siguro dahil hinamon ako ng pisay na imulat ang sarili ko sa kung ano ang totoo at hindi sa kung ano ang gusto kong maging totoo. Siguro dahil ayaw ko at gusto ko ang pisay all at the same time. Ang hirap iexplain pero parang gusto kong kumawala sa mga kadenang iginapos sa akin ng pisay pero gusto ko pa ring manatiling nakakabit dito. Ganun. Ang labo.
