Whisper

I feel like shit. But i will only whisper it to the wind. Wala namang makikinig eh. Kahit ako ayoko na makinig. Kamusta.

Illogical. Wrong. Assumption. Irrational. Pointless. Self-centered.

Now, I need to make a protocol. I am good at making protocols. Please die.. :(

Old wounds

The testament that nothing in the past ever died is when you look back, hold a piece of that past, and weep. Still weep. Or at least, feel what you felt before.

Old wounds. I read the whole thing again and if only some of it were never erased forever, I would have read the original source as well. I read it all again and it made me feel, once more, why I am what I am now.

I think, I inherited that sick Filipino trait. The one that forgets, no matter how painful a wound, as easily as it sets free a sound. Now I remember.

Wishes

I wish I could sing like before - that courage to just take the mic, go centerstage and sing a song I listened to five times the night before. That confidence that no matter what happened, after I reached that high note, I knew everyone loved me. Would I win? I didn't care, I sang my heart out and I knew I deserved it and that's all I needed.

I wish I could write like before. I would close my eyes and words would flow - ideas would sprout, stories will become alive. I miss the times when my imagination was endless. I can create unicorns and superheroes because I did't know yet that, no matter what I do, in real life, they won't exist. I miss not caring about whether the next word I'll type would go well with the other sentences I put here - no grammar, no spell checks. Just pure thoughts on paper.

I wish I could study again like as if I'm playing - that pure, deep love for learning because you don't have to pass; you just want to know. I loved those moments when knowledge was innocent, when skills were just pure fun.

I wish I'm back to not being controlled by my environment, my situation, my duties and responsibilities and just live because I breathe and that's all the license I have to have. I wish that same freedom, without the feeling of loneliness, of sadness, of agonizing wonderment of how things may have gone differently.

I wish I'd stop wishing. I wish I'd stop hating what I led my life into. I need windows - big, giant windows - to see again. I wish I'd stop regretting - that confidence to push through the day and feel like you can conquer it.

Because you don't know yet. You don't know how hard.

I just want someone to ask if i'm okay

i think i'm too selfish. or too deprived thus selfish. or too needy thus too deprived so becoming too selfish. or too giving, but conditionally, making me too needy thus too deprived so becoming too selfish. or too loyal to become too giving, albeit conditionally that made me needy thus too deprived so becoming too selfish.

or too stupid.

i just want anyone to ask if i'm fucking okay. kasi hindi.