Wishes

I wish I could sing like before - that courage to just take the mic, go centerstage and sing a song I listened to five times the night before. That confidence that no matter what happened, after I reached that high note, I knew everyone loved me. Would I win? I didn't care, I sang my heart out and I knew I deserved it and that's all I needed.

I wish I could write like before. I would close my eyes and words would flow - ideas would sprout, stories will become alive. I miss the times when my imagination was endless. I can create unicorns and superheroes because I did't know yet that, no matter what I do, in real life, they won't exist. I miss not caring about whether the next word I'll type would go well with the other sentences I put here - no grammar, no spell checks. Just pure thoughts on paper.

I wish I could study again like as if I'm playing - that pure, deep love for learning because you don't have to pass; you just want to know. I loved those moments when knowledge was innocent, when skills were just pure fun.

I wish I'm back to not being controlled by my environment, my situation, my duties and responsibilities and just live because I breathe and that's all the license I have to have. I wish that same freedom, without the feeling of loneliness, of sadness, of agonizing wonderment of how things may have gone differently.

I wish I'd stop wishing. I wish I'd stop hating what I led my life into. I need windows - big, giant windows - to see again. I wish I'd stop regretting - that confidence to push through the day and feel like you can conquer it.

Because you don't know yet. You don't know how hard.