Yung mabigat na pakiramdam na di mo maalis at di mo matanggal na nararamdaman mo sa tuwing hihinga ka

Sometimes we just stumble into an opportunity, which we will decide to grab and out of it will come all those explanations you seek too much but never really got the chance to get. Realizations.

Suddenly, you understand the who's. You understand the why's. You understand the what's.

And you know, if you're reading this, I'm sure you'll understand nothing. Your mind will be tempted to assume it has an idea, but it doesn't. I think, my writing skills evolved into this capability to be so cryptic, sometimes it backfires and hurts me so much more.

Maraming pagkakataong pinipilit kong maging malungkot para makapagsulat. Pero ngayong malungkot akong talaga, bat hindi ko maisulat?

Kung sa pagsulat, nagiging totoo ang lahat, ibig sabihin bang may pag-asa pang kathang isip lang lahat to? Sana kapag binasa mong mulit ito, kahit gaano kalabo, kahit gaano kawalang direksyon ng sulating to, makuha mong muli, sarili ko mula sa hinaharap, ang nararamdaman ko ngayon.

Nawala ba? Paano? Please sabihin mo na lang.

I miss my old self back so much. I miss the walls. I miss the invulnerability against other people. If the yellow brick road and the rainbow bridge both lead to solitude, what was all this for?

Just kill me now.

Ptolemy

Not everything revolves around you.

I'm writing because for the first time in my life, I had nothing else to say to people anymore.

I was once good at telling people how I feel. I'm almost very poetic about it. At the same time, I'm a priceless listener as well. I have to be, I only have one ear.

Now, well everyone's damaged. And ewan. Sometimes I just want the people i care for, I listen to, and I give advice to, to ask me if I'm okay. And I will say I am, promise. It's just that no one asks.

And no one listens. fuck.

Selfish ba ko? Or selfish sila for expecting me not to be?

Diversion

My favorite would be watching something funny.

Akala ko dati pagsusulat eh, but I figured that the very sadness I'm trying to get away from is the same thing I end up using to write. So parang torture lang. Ayaw mo na nga maramdaman eh. Tapos pinaramdam mo pa ng paulit-ulit. :))

I know some people who eat. Some play video games. Yung iba nagaaral - probably the best of them all: nalungkot ka nga, productive ka naman.

Or you talk to people who'd listen. Someone who'd give a damn but won't add up to the feelings. Naghahanap ka ng tenga. Tenga lang: hindi kaibigan, kaaway, o kasama. Basta alam mo lang na narinig ka.

But at the most cruel times, nothing beats sleeping - tapos hihilingin mo na lang na mas enlightened ka na pagkagising para alam mo na gagawin or na mas rational ka na or na mawawala na lang yung pakiramdam bast-basta. We get stuck by the prospect of a reset everytime we become sad - we look back and hope it didn't happen. Kaya itutulog na lang. Kunwari panaginip. Mahaba, malungkot, masakit na panaginip.

Minsan kung di ka makatulog: alcohol. Kahit konti lang, yung basta mapagod lang yung mata mo. Para pumikit na siya finally. As long as the eyes can see that the world continues, moves on, does not care that you're hurting and does not take its time to go back: you hurt even more. Pag pumikit na ag mata, susunod sa pagtigil ang utak. Susunod ang sandali. Susunod ang pakiramdam.

At the end of the day, you still end up with the same feelings before the diversion. But diversions are nice breaks.

Now, I'm sad. But I don't want a diversion. I don't want breaks. Especially pag wala kang say sa nangyayari. May gusto ka lang mangyari at kahit paano mo pa gustong may magawa, wala kang effect sa problema.

Para kang diversion: isang break, isang time-out, isang malaking facade.

One year ago

One year ago seemed so far away, but honestly, it feels like yesterday. (just like my blog entries! theri existence was one year ago)

And one year ago, i felt different. I was different. Actions, feelings, words, outlook. Everything. If the past me would see me now, he'd be horrified. Kasi kahit ako naman nagugulat sa sarili ko. It feels like yesterday, and that makes the whole point. Can changes really come this fast?

Sometime I wish my old self back. The walled me. Parang China lang - may great wall. It was very protective and secure. And when everything outside is too chaotic - or hurtful - you just go back inside. AND FUCKING NOT CARE. :))

Pero di ba parang bata ka lang nun. Haha. Now, I hate the times when I miss my old self because I know that this was somehow better. At the same time, at these times, my old self wouldn't be hurting. While the new me, well, at least I still haven't cried.

I miss that talkative person back. The one that outshines everyone with his voice (yes, he's dealf so most of the time he's not really aware, BUT YOU WON'T TAKE THAT FACT INTO CONSIDERATION, trust me. that makes what i just type unnecessary. oh why do you love the unnecessary at these times ryan?), the one that delivers point blank his opinions, and the one that defends, justifies, and tells everyone what he believes whether they get offended or not.

Sounds like a monster. :))

But people once came up to me and thanked me for being brutal. May I just say: PEOPLE ARE AMAZINGLY INCONSISTENT. :))

Deh, rant lang to. Parang kung paano ko namimiss na maging bata kasi walang iniisip. Ganun ko din namimiss maging ako ulit. Kasi walang iisipin.


Potential jobs that are most likely fit for ryan now: Taga-xerox (kasi di masyado nagiisip), taga-xerox sa CJ's Photocopy (kasi hindi nagiisip at all), Philippine politician (hindi capable magisip), or mayamang may-ari ng mundo (di rin nagiisip, gumagastos lang)