Ptolemy

Not everything revolves around you.

I'm writing because for the first time in my life, I had nothing else to say to people anymore.

I was once good at telling people how I feel. I'm almost very poetic about it. At the same time, I'm a priceless listener as well. I have to be, I only have one ear.

Now, well everyone's damaged. And ewan. Sometimes I just want the people i care for, I listen to, and I give advice to, to ask me if I'm okay. And I will say I am, promise. It's just that no one asks.

And no one listens. fuck.

Selfish ba ko? Or selfish sila for expecting me not to be?

Diversion

My favorite would be watching something funny.

Akala ko dati pagsusulat eh, but I figured that the very sadness I'm trying to get away from is the same thing I end up using to write. So parang torture lang. Ayaw mo na nga maramdaman eh. Tapos pinaramdam mo pa ng paulit-ulit. :))

I know some people who eat. Some play video games. Yung iba nagaaral - probably the best of them all: nalungkot ka nga, productive ka naman.

Or you talk to people who'd listen. Someone who'd give a damn but won't add up to the feelings. Naghahanap ka ng tenga. Tenga lang: hindi kaibigan, kaaway, o kasama. Basta alam mo lang na narinig ka.

But at the most cruel times, nothing beats sleeping - tapos hihilingin mo na lang na mas enlightened ka na pagkagising para alam mo na gagawin or na mas rational ka na or na mawawala na lang yung pakiramdam bast-basta. We get stuck by the prospect of a reset everytime we become sad - we look back and hope it didn't happen. Kaya itutulog na lang. Kunwari panaginip. Mahaba, malungkot, masakit na panaginip.

Minsan kung di ka makatulog: alcohol. Kahit konti lang, yung basta mapagod lang yung mata mo. Para pumikit na siya finally. As long as the eyes can see that the world continues, moves on, does not care that you're hurting and does not take its time to go back: you hurt even more. Pag pumikit na ag mata, susunod sa pagtigil ang utak. Susunod ang sandali. Susunod ang pakiramdam.

At the end of the day, you still end up with the same feelings before the diversion. But diversions are nice breaks.

Now, I'm sad. But I don't want a diversion. I don't want breaks. Especially pag wala kang say sa nangyayari. May gusto ka lang mangyari at kahit paano mo pa gustong may magawa, wala kang effect sa problema.

Para kang diversion: isang break, isang time-out, isang malaking facade.

One year ago

One year ago seemed so far away, but honestly, it feels like yesterday. (just like my blog entries! theri existence was one year ago)

And one year ago, i felt different. I was different. Actions, feelings, words, outlook. Everything. If the past me would see me now, he'd be horrified. Kasi kahit ako naman nagugulat sa sarili ko. It feels like yesterday, and that makes the whole point. Can changes really come this fast?

Sometime I wish my old self back. The walled me. Parang China lang - may great wall. It was very protective and secure. And when everything outside is too chaotic - or hurtful - you just go back inside. AND FUCKING NOT CARE. :))

Pero di ba parang bata ka lang nun. Haha. Now, I hate the times when I miss my old self because I know that this was somehow better. At the same time, at these times, my old self wouldn't be hurting. While the new me, well, at least I still haven't cried.

I miss that talkative person back. The one that outshines everyone with his voice (yes, he's dealf so most of the time he's not really aware, BUT YOU WON'T TAKE THAT FACT INTO CONSIDERATION, trust me. that makes what i just type unnecessary. oh why do you love the unnecessary at these times ryan?), the one that delivers point blank his opinions, and the one that defends, justifies, and tells everyone what he believes whether they get offended or not.

Sounds like a monster. :))

But people once came up to me and thanked me for being brutal. May I just say: PEOPLE ARE AMAZINGLY INCONSISTENT. :))

Deh, rant lang to. Parang kung paano ko namimiss na maging bata kasi walang iniisip. Ganun ko din namimiss maging ako ulit. Kasi walang iisipin.


Potential jobs that are most likely fit for ryan now: Taga-xerox (kasi di masyado nagiisip), taga-xerox sa CJ's Photocopy (kasi hindi nagiisip at all), Philippine politician (hindi capable magisip), or mayamang may-ari ng mundo (di rin nagiisip, gumagastos lang)

walang title para hindi controversial. haha.

(well, multiply and blogger, you guys used to be my oh so very good friends with my opinions and all. ngayong lahat naman nasa facebook na, i guess, not posting this on facebook may reduce harm to me)


Hindi ba nakakahiya para sa isang taga-UP na tumanggap ka na lang ng tumanggap, life is unfair anyway?

Kelan pa tayo nagsettle sa kung anong meron na? I refuse to accept the fact na dahil lang may heirarchy ang profession ko at nakadepende ka talaga sa nasa itaas mo eh hindi ka na magrereklamo. Fuck, kaya maraming naabuso eh. Yan, yang mentality na yan ang isa sa may kasalanan ng paghihirap ng mga Pilipino. Just leave the system be, pero blame the system kung wala kang mablame o kung allowed ka magblame. Kung hindi, leave it be.

Eh di ba kaya nga may student evaluation? So ano yun, pautot lang nila? Kunwari kasali tayo sa decision pero hindi naman talaga kasi kapag nagreklamo ka, imamark ka nila as mareklamo tapos matakot ka kasi doomed na ang medical career mo all your life! Halaaa. Eh di nawalan ng point yung student evaluation kung bawal maging mareklamo, lalu pa kung yung mismong ineevaluate mo ang magsasabi kung amreklamo ka o hindi. Nakakalungkot naman yun.

Ok naman ang reklamo basta nasa tama eh. basta hindi ka nagrereklamo na asul ang langit o berde ang logo ng school mo, ayos lang para sakin ang isang reklamo. Lalu pa kung reklamo yun dahil mapanghi yung room mo samantalang kayo ang unang batch na tinaasan ng tuition matapos ang matagal na matagal na panahon. Ang reason pa nila, improvement ng school pero mapanghi pa rin room mo.

At kung sabog exams mo, masama magreklamo? Kung makapagdemand sila at makapaghussga ng kakayahan mo base sa iilang tanong, parang walang bukas, pero ikaw kapag humiling ka lang na maging reflective sa dapat mong malaman yung exam mo, mareklamo ka na. O kaya pag di makatarungan yung scehdule mo, mareklamo ka na.

Kaya stagnant ang Pilipinas eh. Marami kasing lumulunok lang ng kung ano ang nandyan na. Walang nagsasalita, walang lumalaban sa status quo. WALANG NAGSUSUBOK HUMINGI NG PAGBABAGO.

Parang PGH. Ayan na yan eh, why bother wishing for a better state right? Hell, why even think of fighting for one? Parang classroom o schedule o exam lang.

Di mo ba naisip na the same people asking for status quo are the same people benefiting from the current system?

Kung walang mga mareklamo, walang Katipunan. Kung walang mga mareklamo, walang HUKBALAHAP. At kung walang mga mareklamo, walang People Power.


Oo, pwede rin kasing negative ang pagiging mareklamo. Pero lahat naman ng bagay eh pwedeng negative o positive. Kaya hindi dapat tinitignan ang katangiang iyon ng masyadong masama. Dapat nireregulate, hindi ineeradicate.

Nakakalungkot na ang "life is unfair" dati ng mga taga-UP ay sinusundan ng "let's fight for change" pero ngayon ang sinasabi na lang: "tanggap na lang ng tanggap."

Basta ko ayokong tumanggap lang ng tumanggap. Magiging mareklamo ako kung nasa tama. At least, kahit kaunti, maparating ko man lang na hindi ako natutuwa sa estadong nakikita ko.