I betrayed you again. for the nth time.
I know you're hurt. I know that very much and yet I don't keep myself from doing such things that may cause the wounds to go deeper. I can't stop myself from stabbing you each and every time I commit to those things. I know its painful. I know that you're bleeding. I know that you're crying for me. I know. I guess what's more painful is that I can't cry for myself. You know that I have longed to see myself standing tall and proud - that I have longed to stay with you forever, to feel every moment of my life with you. You know that more than anything in this world I want to strengthen my bond with you, to live my life where every moment is dedicated to you. More than anything, I want to keep that bond and to make it last until the last breath escapes my very being. You know how much I want to make you smile, but all I'm causing you is pain. What's worse is that I've done it before and I'm doing it again. Over and over I've told you that I condemn this to happen - that I won't let anything to stop me from preventing this. I've told you how much I would resist it and how much I would fight it. I told you I'd rathe die than to do it and cause pain to both you and my very own being. I told you how much I want not to subject to such deeds. I've tolds you that. And yet, I've disobeyed the very meaning of those words - words that I have spoken and vowed to keep. I am unworthy. I know. You've saved me once and not an ounce of gratitude or faithfulness could be received. I am embarassed over the fact that I disgraced you and yet you saved me. Moreover, I'm embarassing you again and yet you're still trying to save me. I thank you many many times. Countless, even. And yet, those ar still not enough. I still ask for strength, like I always do, and for faith, so that I would have a greater, stronger defense against my desires to cause you pain again. I gave you pain. I gave you suffering. I made you bleed. I made you cry. And I'm not even giving you proper credit. I'm guilty - guilty of not loving you as much as you have loved me. I love you more than I would ever do. I know that you know that. I may doubt that at times but I promise that it would forever stay as it is. But I still wish for you to wait and understand me. Why, you ask? Because as the song goes, "Although I cannot fly, I'm not content to crawl." So I'm gonna change this. And all I have is my will and you to solidify completely that vow. It would take some time. But I vow that someday, I would be able to make you smile again.